Blog entry for:

minor embarrassment, nothing to see here, move along. sitting in a meeting yesterday, as i occasionally do on Fridays, i happened to have some one who **likes** to talk and have **side** conversations, while others are sharing. for whatever reason, i wanted to actually hear what my peers were saying and i got severely torqued off, that my peer would have the audacity to continue to interrupt my “listening pleasure.” what i did do, more than likely enabled them to continue their behavior, because instead of ignoring their inquiries and asides, i responded in very short and curt spurts. as i left the meeting, i was still a bit “warm under the collar,” not at them, as they had no clue that on that day, i was in a place where i had the DESIRE to hear what my other peers were offering up for my consumption. no i was pissed at myself for not standing up and asking them to refrain from asking me anything during the meeting. i accepted the responsibility for my anger, and then the tribunal kicked in and i got to condemn myself to the pit of “i am not worthy” doom. nice work when i can get it.
today, i can rationalize away my part in that affair, by saying i was just being nice, or that i am just as guilty as they were of whispering and chatting while my peers are sharing. it was not my fault that they did not understand how rude and inconsiderate that behavior was, it was all on me, because i allowed them to engage and i DESERVE to be severely chastised by my peers and fellow travelers. being on double secret probation, day after day, really sucks and it all goes back to the source, the story that i have enshrined in diamond casing, that i am not worth being the best at anything. 🤢 🤮 🤯
it is more than a little ironic that this set of steps, as slowly as i am working them, seem to be getting down to the core stories that have become my reality. i would have thought that after over eight thousand days clean, i would have addressed these a long, long time ago, and yet here they are, popping up in my daily life. feeling my way through to the place where i can make a decision and to surrender into the care POWER that fuels my recovery, my entire will and life, is becoming more of an option i want to choose, even though i am not quite there, yet. so it is off to my home group and into the real world to see what i can get accomplished on this day off. perhaps those new running shoes are on tap. maybe get a refill on my Espresso beans, or perhaps, just an afternoon on the front porch playing my silly game and enjoying a cigar, all things are possible, if i allow myself the FREEDOM TO CHOOSE.

∞ DT ∞