Blog entry for:

territories of my life, seem to coming back to haunt me. for me, this does not seem to be my little secrets, but rather the stories i have been telling myself since long before i ever used. today i feel the part of a victim to my own hubris and thinking i **know** something, when in actuality, i really do not know much of anything. this morning i have to pay-out to cover my own mistake, once again, to get my funds from Mexico into the United States. instead of asking the question of whether or not i NEED to file some paperwork before my package arrived at the border, i ASSumed that the bank or the courier would let me know. the fact of the matter is that the way they do business they ASSume i know and are under no obligation to provide me any clues. since i have been dealing with this for the past 90+ days, one would have thought that i learned my lesson, when in fact, i had not. so once again i am running off to the bank this morning to drop more money into Mexico.
the problem is, yes, everyone makes mistakes, but this seems like it is evidence of the stories that riddle my recovery being true. that i am not worth having things work out for me and that i am some sort of idiot who does not and will not ever, learn from his mistakes. the litany of self-abasement goes on from there and ends up at a point where i can start to think that this recovery gig is NOT paying off and that i have EARNED the right for a little drop of poison, to ease my angst. talk about a bout of insanity!
to recover my balance i need to start with forgiving myself for not asking for the help i knew i needed. i need to move on from looking at myself for being a failure, because i did not navigate the intricacies of Mexican law or admit that maybe there was something more i needed to do. most of all, i need to remember that this too shall pass and perhaps, sometime in the middle of next week, i will find myself at a place where i feel financially comfortable once again. i certainly see the insanity in my life and i feel the balance starting to return to my severely scorched and tilted internal landscape. so it is off to the showers and into another day of trying to figure out what went wrong at work, because what went wrong with me, is i started to believe the lie, that somehow i am a victim at my own hand and that hand needs to be chastised with extreme prejudice.

∞ DT ∞