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program, i can get all the benefits of recovery. part of this surrender is releasing all my secrets with the reservations they protect.
it has been my experience that there is nothing that is too trivial to share with my sponsor, if it is something i feel i NEED to hold back. in fact, that is sometimes my only criterion for having to share it, it is gnawing at me. however, it seems it has to get to the place that it is is starting to bother me before i think to do anything about it.
the big ugly secrets, i have found are the easiest to share and from which i get the greatest relief, as a result, i let those out and have yet to be laughed at, humiliated or shunned as a result of sharing them.
the little ones sometimes seem too silly to bother anyone with, and of course this lie goes directly to the issue of self-worth, namely that i am not worth sharing some of the small stuff because i should know how to deal with them.
and this for me is the core of the reading this morning, not only am i worth sharing the small stuff, I NEED TO share these so i can recover and walk in the sunlight of the spirit.
it has been a difficult week for me, dealing with anger towards GOD, anger towards the disease i been afflicted with, and living in self-will. i have hurt someone i care about deeply because i forgot that sometimes a minute to make a single phone call is sometimes the spiritual solution. all i have to do is step back and remember that i am no longer alone in the world and cannot pretend that my actions do not affect anyone else. my dirty little secret is that twice over the past 10 days i have blown off the woman i love and care for deeply because i got "involved" in something or simply because i was "too sad" to be where i said i was going to be. while both are valid excuses for changing my plans, neither excuse the behavior of not calling and letting her know my plans have changed. today i can see my part and amend my behavior to be more present for what is happening in my life outside of the place i happen to be and take care of my responsibilities.
anyhow, it all goes back to total surrender to the spiritual principles and letting go of self-will.
-- DT --