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do their own kind of insidious damage. some days, just wondering aloud if i will ever be freed from the burden of having to keep things about myself on the down-low, is enough to give me a bit of respite. other times, not so much. what is it that i keep quiet? mostly, these days anyhow, it is the judgements i cast about those around me. i have found, that keeping my opinions about others and how they walk through their day, to myself, i seem to get along better with everyone. i am often tempted to “give advice,” and that has landed me in hot water in the past. the judgements i cast and the subsequent suggestions for improving the life of someone else, are most of the insidious and seemingly harmless secrets i keep these these days. with that in mind, i hardly think that going around and revealing the true nature of my thoughts about everyone in my life, is a spiritual solution to keeping them inside. there is a principle of damage here and the damage i do to myself, is far less than the damage i do to those around me, when i start spouting off exactly what i think. a bit of diplomatic discretion keeps me a part of the world around me, instead of apart from that world.
what other little “tidbits” of information am i keeping secret? well, for me, it is nearly everything, as i really hate anyone knowing anything about my bidness. one of the most daunting tasks for me, is learning how to reveal myself to those i love, those i share the rooms of recovery with and those that i call my friends. when i got clean, everything about me was secret. i had at least three separate lives, that i painstakingly kept from ever merging, work life, party life and family life. spending the better part of twenty-five years leading parallel and alternate lives, was trying, but i became accustomed to doing so. i was successful enough at it, that my family had little idea of how far i had really gone, until the walls came crashing down. it was quite a shock to learn that i could no longer live in that manner, IF i really wanted what recovery has to offer and as a result, once i came clean admitted that i was an addict and became a member, i started working on merging those lives into a cohesive whole. the echoes of that past still linger and i get to keep part of my life on the down-low from the other 85%, that i am an addict, in active recovery. i often wonder if i am being truly selfless and nameless by guarding my anonymity so zealously, or if i am reverting to my need to “get away with something.” certainly an interesting chicken vs egg argument and one i choose not to dive any deeper into this morning.
my dirty little secrets? well, i wonder if my prayer is just ritual or if i believe at all. i am certain that i used because i am an addict, having to figure out the “why” i am an addict, is a journey that i choose to let go of, just for today. i do not watch Game of Thrones as i never found it engaging. i watching Hockey and Baseball on TV is boring and there is far more to life, than hanging in the shadows and observing the world around me. the rest of my secrets, big or small, after all Scarlett tomorrow is another day. 😉

∞ DT ∞