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if i want to keep it, i have to care for it and there is a routine maintenance schedule. of course, knowledge of a maintenance schedule and actually following one are two entirely different things. the fact is, even though i have known what i NEED to do each and every day to maintain my recovery, there are days when i choose not to! yes, i said CHOOSE, as in consciously decide that i am not going to do such and such in the here and now. it would be quite convenient and more the duplicitous to blame such a decision on my addiction, after all, am i not a victim of addiction? quite honestly, the only answer to that question is a resounding NOT ANYMORE! the days of being victimized by addiction are long gone, and while that may seem to imply that i have been been cured or am no longer an addict, it does not. i am now, and will continue to be an addict until i shuffle off this mortal coil PERIOD! so that little tidbit leads to the understanding that it is by choice i am in recovery today. this is a binary state, like being clean and using, either i am in recovery or i am in active addiction. the tricky part here is the boundary is an infinite number of shades of grey, and i am unable to distinguish that i am in active addiction until the point where i decide that using may be a good idea. my solution? do the fVcking daily maintenance and live in recovery.
it really is that simple -- do a daily inventory, build my ongoing relationship with a HIGHER POWER through conscious contact, and practice all of the spiritual principles i have learned in my daily life. of course, adding in a bit of step work, regular meeting attendance, sponsorship, and service is not a bad idea either.
the more i do all of that, the further from that nebulous area between recovery and addiction i am. the further from the boundary i am, the easier it is to do the daily maintenance. this feedback cycle of course flows both ways, the closer i am to that boundary, the harder it is for me to maintain my recovery and simple neglect of my gift of recovery through laziness or through conscious choice pushes me in the wrong direction, as i have seen demonstrated over and over again, since i got clean.
so what is up? well for one, i am still smarting a bit from having a request for a conversation ignored. i had thought things had changed and when i reached out, it was like dropping a rock into the black hole of a bottomless pit, one so deep i could not here the sound of the rock ending its journey. so it goes, time to let it go and move on, what is, IS and what will be will be, and the outcome has yet to be determined, as there might be some other explanation. so i will let go and get ready to make my daily tour of the neighborhood.

∞ DT ∞