Some memes

of empathy is easy for me to take for granted, as i get more and more days clean. what once felt like pity and sympathy, i know today, was the members who preceded me, practicing empathy. although i am having issues moving forward on this topic, i wonder if it is because i am not sure how empathetic i actually am. i know that, at times, i certainly feel the pain of my peers, not so much the newcomers, but certainly those who have been doing this gig for a minute. the newest of the new? well not so much, as i have been clean for long enough that the feelings that i had back in the day have faded into the background noise of life on its own terms. that does not mean that i am uncaring or unconcerned, but it does mean i have to tread carefully , as i can become patronizing and overly assertive about “how” to navigate through early recovery and become a member.
the “trick” for this addict, is to let go of what i “think” and respond with what i feel. it has taken me quite a bit of time, to actually “trust my gut,” but, as i discover day after day, what i am feeling about a situation is more apt to be correct than what i think about a situation. i have been far from any sort of role model in my recovery and looking around at my peers, i see that i am more of the rule, rather than the exception. it is odd though, that an addict who once upon a time shared my clean date has changed it to nearly a month later. i know that i lacked honesty back in the day and took the “extra day” when offered to me, by my sponse at the time, and although i have often thought about changing it, i keep running up against the same feeling. that feeling? the choice of the day i celebrated my clean date was dictated by a choice i made a long time ago and is part of my story and indicative of who i was, a loophole seeking addict who was still incapable of being honest. where there once was more than a bit of elation over having one more day clean, today there are times when i feel ashamed by that decision. when i get to that place i have to remember that although there are all sorts of people around me, who want to reinvent the past with alternate “facts.” that feels more than a bit hypocritical for me and certainly not part of who i am. that leads to a situation where i have to acknowledge the truth and allow myself to have a bit of empathy for that addict who did not want to stop using and wanted all the rewards of recovery as a result of doing the bare minimum of the work.
just for today, i will accept that i need not come from a place of authority or moral self-righteousness, when i am looking at my past or trying to figure out what i need to say or do, to help the newcomer stay another day. i also will look to my peers as a source of strength and yes empathy, when i am lacking in either or both. i can live a program of active recovery today, and while my program may be far from perfect, it has been sufficient to get me to this pl;ace in my life.

∞ DT ∞