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the condition of a valuable gift?
so once again, i come back to the car analogy that is part of the class of metaphors i simply do not like. instead of railing against, i will extend it, just a bit more. just like a car, my recovery as bunches of moving parts, that depend upon each other to work well. if i allow, a seemingly trivial part to not operate correctly, it could and often does, cause a catastrophic failure of the whole. in this case, the health of the whole is at stake.
coming to see my recovery as a gift, valuable or not, instead of a life sentence, was what as required for me, to move into a state of acceptance, to do whatever it took to maintain this gift. the rub here, is maintaining that attitude, this so-called positive spin on the fact that i can never use again, one day at a time, which, if i am truly an addict is a bitter pill to swallow. so it all comes down to my first step admission, in the end. am i really an addict? not some variant, or addicted to this or that, but a plain Jane, garden variety addict, for whom one is never enough? for me, this morning,m that answer is yes, not of course, or i guess, but a single unqualified YES!
with that premise settled for right now, it is quite easy to see, that recovery is a gift. no matter how nostalgic i may feel about those good old days, the truth is, my life has meaning today, which it never had in the twilight world of active addiction. it is true, that i thought i had a purpose to my life in those days, namely to criticize and find fault with all that i encountered. and maybe that was why i was breathing and kicking. mistakenly, in recovery, i have done my utmost to suppress that attribute, and i offset find myself swallowing more than an emotion or two. i have finally come to accept, that the cynic within me, is me and like the part i call addiction, it is part of the whole package, and i need to allow myself to express it. that realization is part of my growth process, it is part of who i am, and even though it does not seem to be part of the vision of the man i want to become, it apparently is, and will need to be added to that vision so i can continue my journey to becoming whole, genuine and self-aware. what that final package looks like, is irrelevant today, the important part is that i accept the gift of self-awareness and allow the recovery process to continue, by doing the required maintenance on the recommended schedule, suggested by those who have gone before me. time to hit the shower and take care of the bidness at hand. it certainly is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞