Blog entry for:

to keep what i have, feels a bit extreme these days. clean time does NOT equals recovery and social acceptability is NOT a substitute for step work, however staying clean for me, is a matter of routine and a bit of vigilance. i know what a shit-show i was when i got clean, heck i even remember the mass confusion and angst of the past eighteen months and the lengths i needed to go to, to stay clean. what got me through those harrowing times was the love and care of my friends, peers and loved ones, as well as my experience in living a program of active recovery. i survived and came out stronger for the experience with a new mantra, i will not settle for “good enough.”
today, i am embarking on my first piece of original coding for my new job. i have thought about it, read about it, looked at the existing code and am now ready to put my ideas down on paper, virtually after scribbling in my notebook and let my mentor help me work through the details. i still have more than a bit of fear around asking for help and “looking” like i cannot do the job and learning to let go of that is the only way i am going to succeed at this job, and i am certain that i can succeed. the echoes of hiding in plain sight, are still loud enough in my head, to keep me paralyzed with fear, uncertainty and doubt when it come to being able to do what i love to do. it just may be time to finally make that call and move along.
when it come to forging ahead into this new world, and trust me when i say that, i have very little experience in being who i am and not playing a role. as exciting as this may feel, it is also quite “spooky” as i navigate the expectations of those who taught me that playing a role was preferable to being myself. the buttons they installed and still attempt to push, create feelings of not being “good enough” in reaction to what has always worked for them. it is far from odd that although they may be content to allow life to pass them by, i am no longer satisfied doing so. the gift of recovery has allowed me to look forward to a future that just may be a bit better than today and accept what i see around me, as beyond my power to alter. that is not settling, that is just facing reality, just for today.

∞ DT ∞