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in reality, if one were to seriously look at my recovery journey, one might be amazed that i have stayed clean. when i look back, i am puzzled and amazed that i am still clean today and i DESIRE to take an active part in my recovery process. after all i spent the first eighteen months trying to deny my way out of recovery and the next five years sleeping through my recovery. the only constant, since i started coming around, is that i picked up on and implemented a daily recovery routine, with a fervent obsessiveness that only an addict can achieve. even in those “use every thirty days,” days, i still prayed every day i did not use, i still read the literature and i still went to meetings. what i ended up with is a routine of daily maintenance that is still evident in my life today, and, oh yeah, some “long-term” clean time.
what i am feeling today is still a calm inside and wondering when i am going to react to the feelings of shame at being taken for a very expensive ride. i have to admit, the warning signs were all there and it was greed that overtook my common sense. maybe, because i have a program of recovery, this calm and serenity will never be changed into white hot rage or resentment. it was satisfying turning over the evidence of the whole sordid affair to the banking industry and man oh man do they make it difficult to report any sort of fraud or scams. in fact, they seem quite happy to let one stumble down the path of idiotic bliss and when that bubble get popped, they provide very limited means for preventing it from happening to others, after all, they are just the intermediary, even when they are the final recipient institution.
whining about what cannot be changed, will get me nothing. i did have the DESIRE to improve my financial condition, now i have no choice but to do so. hopefully the lesson i learn is that living well within my means, means more than just paying my bills. what i am beginning to see, is that the rest of my amends to me, is to squirrel away some money as i take care of the debt i have accumulated and participate in any investigation that may arise from my reporting the scam. i have a feeling by the time Chase and the FBI do anything, this set of crooks will be long gone and the money swept away to some foreign banking haven. so as i wrap this little ditty up and get ready to head on over to my home group. i am going to enjoy the calm, while it lasts. i am going to attempt to forgive myself for living in DESIRE and GREED. most of all, i am okay with where i am today and perhaps i have a greater gift to give away, then material things, just for today.

∞ DT ∞