Blog entry for:

life may be too big for me to tackle on my own power. when it is, i seek a POWER greater than myself. well, actually. whether or not life is too big for me to handle, i have come to the conclusion that seeking that POWER greater than myself, is a good thing. i do not mean the foxhole kind of journey, you know when my ass is already in a sling and i start the whole gimme this and i will do this kind of relationship. nor do i mean the lip service kind of the quick semi-prayer of "God Guide My Mouth;" when i am about to knowingly act out in self-will, and i want to absolve myself of all responsibility. no the result of this set of steps, besides the main focus of them, is that i have come to the conclusion that in order to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs, i NEED to be in some sort of constant contact with the POWER that provide me the means to stay clean today. for me that means that i am present for what is going on inside and outside of me, as most of what i need to know, i know on an intuitive level, long before it rises to my conscious level. i am coming to believe that intuitive level is my hard-wired connection to the POWER that keeps me clean, and that it is my FAITH in that POWER to keep me clean, that provides that connection and it allows it to strengthen on a daily basis.
the journey to this spiritual place has been long, twisty and quite surprising, at least to me. i am sure that there are those who have watched me since i started this journey, who would say, we expected you to find your way to this place. WHATEVER! i have written more than once how my rationality and intellect were and can be used by the part of me i call addiction to drive a wedge into this connection and work on severing it. in fact those tools kept me apart from the fellowship and all of its gifts for the first thirteen months of my recovery. that is a part of my recovery journey i do not care to repeat, and that is the promise inherent in this reading. IF i work on strengthening my connection with a POWER that can and will keep me clean. IF i have the FAITH to surrender my will and my life into the care of that POWER. THEN i can stay clean today, and i do not ever have to GET clean again. regardless of HOW long i have been clean, this SURRENDER, remains an act of FAITH, and each time i surrender i strengthen that FAITH just one iota more. what i have FAITH in is really irrelevant and i am quite content with not having a mental picture that i can pull up and describe at the drop of a hat. i am also quite pleased that no one told me to find this FAITH or else, the most terrible things would happen to me across the span of all eternity, at least no one in the program when i was looking to find something. i just marvel at how adamant some of my peers in recovery are about this very concept, using the words ‘YOU MUST’, in the guise of a suggestion. i know how put off i would have been, back in the day. as a result i use the words ‘I MUST’ to speak to what it is i have found that works for me. in order for me to stay clean today I MUST strengthen my connection with the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN and listen for the WILL of that POWER before i act. it really is that simple and on that note i do believe it is time to step out into this chilly morning and take care of my physical fitness.

∞ DT ∞