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and staying clean, which is really more difficult? an interesting question and one that has certainly changed across the course of my recovery journey. at one time i would have argued, even though one only has to get clean “once,” getting clean was the hardest part of my journey. if fact the whole idea of having to get clean again, played a strong part, in staying clean for me. in my FEAR based program of recovery, even after the legal sword had been withdrawn, FEAR of relapse and the subsequent process of getting clean, kept me clean.
being a creature of habit and a firm believer in the rituals of life, integrating those suggestions into my life has made staying clean, fairly easy. a recovery routine implemented on a daily basis seems to me, to be far more effective than the “Chinese menu” sort of recovery practices that i could practice. reading the morning meditation, asking for the power to stay clean, sitting quietly and listening, going over my day and acknowledging gratitude for another day clean, is just so automatic for me, i wonder why everyone does not just do it. i am not, however, everyone and as i have grown in my personal recovery, i see that more and more. what i think i need to do every single day, is not necessarily what my peers see that they need to do. none of those activities consume so much time in my daily life that they have become a burden to me, although i would prefer not to have to inventory my day, every single day. however my program is built on the FAITH, that as long as i did what i did yesterday, i will be able to make the decision tomorrow to wash, rinse and repeat. staying clean has become relatively easy for me, and is certainly simple. although my peers, often speak of thinking about using every day, even those with decades clean, i have to say, that for that thought very rarely enters my head, in fact i go days and perhaps weeks or months without considering that notion. even with that notion, fairly removed form my repertoire, i am quite certain i do NOT “GOT” this recovery gig down. what i have is a life based on the spiritual principles of the fellowship i choose to call my home. those principles allow me much much more than just simple abstinence. my daily routine provides so much more than just an other day clean, it give me the opportunity to get better, see more and make progress towards becoming the sort of person that my dawg thinks that i am.
back to the interesting question i started off with. in my mind staying clean today, is much easier than getting clean tomorrow, but i have been at this for quite a bit of time, so the tables certainly have turned. i can see how staying clean for someone whose clean time is measured in hours or even days, could see they have little to use, by caving in to the powerful force of their addiction. for me the notion of getting clean again fills me with dread, still, to this very second. although my PRIDE and EGO, will certainly play a huge role in that, and i am fairly certain it would, the fact that i would activate a part of me, that has been mostly dormant for quite some time, is even worse. i happen to like who i am today, and although a single use would not instantly return me to the person i once was, it would certainly be the start of that downward spiral, as evidenced form those who have shared their lives with me. i have FAITH, that like them, my descent into the hell of active addiction, would follow a similar path and that like them, i would end up in places and with people that foster my next use. also like them, i would slowly lose those parts of me that i have developed over the course of living a program of recovery. more and more it would seem that my HOPE of coming back from a relapse is less and less certain, so for me, the easier, softer way, is to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞