Blog entry for:

for me anyhow, is something that just is, unlike the angst and effort to stay clean, back in the day. i am basically clueless about when staying clean became my default state, was there were no drum-rolls, rainbows or cracks of thunder to mark that occasion. i know that has been the case for a bit of time and that this morning as i prepared to leave the comfort of my nice warm bed, it was a decision i once again affirmed by asking fro the power to do just that. as someone who is not a “GOD” sort of guy, that daily “ask” is more than a bit ironic and yet as i moved through the first three steps, i decided that it would be part of my spiritual practice that i choose to retain. the other ironic part of that decision is all the back and forth that i went through to make that decision. i took a simple request and turned it into a complicated piece of mind-f*ckery. the effort i put into looking at this simple spiritual practice was, i guess, what i needed to do, to get everything back in line with who and what i am.
all of that just reminds me hat i have narcotics in my house, that i no longer need and in reality never did. disposing of them is a task that i just completed and reinforces my decision that just for today i CAN stay clean. in the past, that little bottle of poison would have remained in my medicine cabinet “just in case.” living clean means that i no longer “plan” for the day i decide to “take the edge off.” living clean or at least my ability to have the DESIRE to live clean is a direct result of the daily decision i have been making every morning, for a few days in a row. i often wonder, when i get way deep down into over-complicating things, what it is that makes me have that DESIRE. the notion that springs to mind is that after all this time, i might actually be able to do a little dab of do-ya and just be FINE. stepping out of that spiral, i can see what my FAITH in the program has given me is a sense of being worth more than having to alter my perception of the “real” world. sacrificing that worth for the moment of release, is not a price i am willing to pay today, hence staying clean has become the easier, softer way.
all that being said, i can do this gig, just for today. living in this mode does not preclude making plans, setting goals, or exercising the personal power i do have. it means that staying clean is an achievable goal in this twenty-four and if i succeed at that, perhaps another twenty-four. beginning before my feet hit the floor tomorrow. i think that it is time to take my neighborhood walking tour and burn off some of the “junk” calories i consumed over the course of the past thirty-six hours. yes, junk food does change the way i feel. yes, i know better. and yes, i can justified their consumption with a wave of my hand and a bit of self-entitlement, after all i am worth… just for today, i can and will make a decision to return to my less destructive ways and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life.

∞ DT ∞