Blog entry for:

i tap the resources i need to live a clean, full life.
and you know what, i am not really full of desire to live a full clean life today. the worse part of that is i know what is going on and the only solution i know of to the dilemma i face is to surrender it all over to the care of the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS. and today that is not what i want to do, what i want to do is just say FUCK EVERYTHING and walk away -- far away -- to a place where i know no one and no one knows me and just start over.
and the reading this morning is keeping the faith in order to stay clean, and if this is what staying clean feels like, perhaps a quick trip through the pharmacopoeia may help to adjust my attitude and make me once gain desire the path of recovery.
so what is going on? well starting at a meeting yesterday i was filled with self-righteous anger and rage. i cannot stop judging them, their recovery and my relationship with them even twelve hours later. and i know what you are thinking, anger held on to for this length of time is a resentment and that could be true, except in one particular instance i already have a resentment towards another member, part of what i am feeling is just a flare-up of a smoldering fire, just one more log on that fire, just when i thought i was getting to the point of letting things go. and tenth stepping this last night only led to a desperate prayer for clarity, which did not come yet DAMMIT!
so what can i do this morning?? well venting about this in a semi-anonymous manner; thinking about the nature of the resentment, which is unmet expectations (my expectations not being met); and considering how the reading fits into my life today all is helping me to accept that i am where i am and wherever that happens to be, it is right where i am supposed to be. yes i may have a bit of stewing left to do, and yes i may not be able to let go of this resentment until i do my formal fifth step and yes people are not perfect and will let you down when you start to expect things of them and yes i am not any better than anyone else, i am still full of disappointment and pain to those i share my life with BUT regardless of all of these facts and pseudo-facts i can stay clean. it is i, that must keep the FAITH, it is i that must believe that i am worth doing the work to allow the healing process to rid my life of the current manifestations of pain. and it is GOD and the program that gave this new life that will provide the means for all of that to occur -- IF I CHOOSE TO LET IT HAPPEN! and perhaps, after a few more minutes of sullen brooding, i will let go, and recommit my FAITH by starting this day over again. after all, i am the only one who can open myself to the healing process.

∞ DT ∞