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i receive in recovery come wrapped in dirt. when that happens, as it often does in my experience, i have to trust that what i cannot see on first glance, is exactly what i need at that moment. i have never been a trusting sort, as i have been burnt far too many times starting with someone who loved me and protected me from everyone but them. in my book, trust equals hurt and betrayal and rewriting that chapter has been one of the most difficult tasks i have undertaken in my recovery. trusting some mythical man thing in the sky was something i could never do and still do not to this day. even as i struggles to make my notion of a HIGHER POWER look and act like those that i thought my peers had, i knew that it was never going to work and i was going to end up using if i could not move f=past faking this until i finally made it. after fifteen years of clean time, i finally arrived and the gift i got, THE POWER that fuels my recovery, does not come with all sorts of promises, threats or even eternal life. some may see that as dirt, i see it as a bonus! 😁
this morning as i made a conscious decision to trust myself and the POWER that fuels my recovery, i realized that i had been doing so, unconsciously for quite some time. as i dropped into the void, i could see that in my desire to trust and be trusting, i had remade my book of rules to include a shit ton of caveats to the axiom TRUST = PAIN. the fact of life, in my life these days, is that chapter needs to be stricken from my book and instead of looking for exceptions, i can trust what i feel, what i see and most of all what i hear from the POWER that fuels my recovery. what that means is that i move into a life where i can trust, but verify, which is certainly a step in the correct direction.
so i may suck at fantasy football so far this season, but i trust my knowledge and tools enough to keep plodding along. i may have a shit ton of dental work to have done this week, but i want to keep what teeth i j[have left and i respect and honor myself enough to do what i need to do. my car requires a new clutch and i want to keep it on the road, so it is time to have that taken care of as well. i trust that i can do all of that, if i marshal my resource correctly and learn to live a little less large, just for today.

∞ DT ∞