โ life may be too big for me to tackle on my own power โ
Posted: Sun, Oct 2, 2011 09:59:52 AM
when it is, i seek a POWER greater than myself. when i was using, that power was the substance and behaviors that allowed me to escape and become something different, for those very brief moments of bliss. in my early recovery it was the justice system, no matter what happened they demanded their pound of flesh and it made my life manageable in that context. i am grateful today, that substances, and the justice system has been replaced by the POWER that fuels my recovery.
the irony of that paragraph does not escape me, i have moved my FAITH from the inanimate and human, but definable entities that brought me to this life, to something beyond my comprehension and ability to define, quantify or even qualify in any manner. in other words, the longer i walk this path, there less i seem to know and the more my need to KNOW diminishes. for a person like me, who wants everything in nice neat categories no matter how fuzzy or ill-defined, that is amazing. that either shows great spiritual growth, or my greatest FEAR, that this is all a cult and i have been brain-washed and institutionalized into giving up my rational manner of thinking. i have been assimilated and perhaps that is not a bad thing. the illusion that i was somehow above the need to be a part of or even cared for, permeated my being back in the day, and the persistence of that belief, lingers today. the image i get when i ponder this whole left-over from the man who came to this process is that of the Salavdor Dali painting: La persistencia de la memoria, in all it's surrealistic glory.
brainwashed or educated, of course is in the eye of the beholder. yes i actually have substance today, that goes beyond the pseudo-intellectual substance i once had. today i am becoming a more fully developed person and part of that development, in fact the largest part of that development is in the spiritual realm. part of that is the tiniest seed of FAITH that i got in my first six months of recovery, has continued to grow and pervade my being, in a manner that is not unlike Kudzu and it's persistent march across everything in the south. FAITH is now a part of me, and it is the part of me, that is at war with the part of me i call addiction. those two aspects of the man i am, are at constant war. daily battles are waged, preemptive strikes are launched, and at the end of the day FAITH wins, if i stay clean today and continue my march towards becoming the being i have always desired to become. just as Roundup™ kills the vine, addiction kills my FAITH and my spiritual journey is stymied in that instant, opening the door for my return to a life of active addiction.
where is all this mixing of metaphors leading to? well just this, i am who i am today BECAUSE i chose to BELIEVE way back when, that recovery offered me a better way of living than i ever dreamed possible. although i would love to graft this on to the programs of those who share my life, they need to come to this on their own. no one could give me FAITH, they led me here step by step, and continue to lead me still. my choice is to either accept their gifts or walk away. as always, in the end, my personal growth comes down to me, and there are time i hate that. yes there is a 4TH Step looming in my life, and yes i am still balking at moving forward for numerous reasons, that sound oh so rational. the truth is the battle being waged is currently being won by the addict within, and my FAITH is taking a licking. somehow i have got the notion that clean time has made me unique, and that I DO NOT HAVE TO DO the next right thing. as i write that, i see the intersection in the path before me, and this is not a fork in the road that is lightly traveled, in fact i have been here myself more than once. my choice then has to be, to follow the path of recovery and write the stuff i have been avoiding or merrily trip downhill into a spiritual lapse that could lead to my own demise, at my own hand. pain or more pain, that is the choice i see before me, so i guess might as well surrender to the inevitable and at least read the literature and get the process started, as i know that i am making way bigger than i need to.
so off to the shower, then a bit of work and some service and then GO BRONCOS, it would be nice to be surprised today by an upset victory.
the irony of that paragraph does not escape me, i have moved my FAITH from the inanimate and human, but definable entities that brought me to this life, to something beyond my comprehension and ability to define, quantify or even qualify in any manner. in other words, the longer i walk this path, there less i seem to know and the more my need to KNOW diminishes. for a person like me, who wants everything in nice neat categories no matter how fuzzy or ill-defined, that is amazing. that either shows great spiritual growth, or my greatest FEAR, that this is all a cult and i have been brain-washed and institutionalized into giving up my rational manner of thinking. i have been assimilated and perhaps that is not a bad thing. the illusion that i was somehow above the need to be a part of or even cared for, permeated my being back in the day, and the persistence of that belief, lingers today. the image i get when i ponder this whole left-over from the man who came to this process is that of the Salavdor Dali painting: La persistencia de la memoria, in all it's surrealistic glory.
brainwashed or educated, of course is in the eye of the beholder. yes i actually have substance today, that goes beyond the pseudo-intellectual substance i once had. today i am becoming a more fully developed person and part of that development, in fact the largest part of that development is in the spiritual realm. part of that is the tiniest seed of FAITH that i got in my first six months of recovery, has continued to grow and pervade my being, in a manner that is not unlike Kudzu and it's persistent march across everything in the south. FAITH is now a part of me, and it is the part of me, that is at war with the part of me i call addiction. those two aspects of the man i am, are at constant war. daily battles are waged, preemptive strikes are launched, and at the end of the day FAITH wins, if i stay clean today and continue my march towards becoming the being i have always desired to become. just as Roundup™ kills the vine, addiction kills my FAITH and my spiritual journey is stymied in that instant, opening the door for my return to a life of active addiction.
where is all this mixing of metaphors leading to? well just this, i am who i am today BECAUSE i chose to BELIEVE way back when, that recovery offered me a better way of living than i ever dreamed possible. although i would love to graft this on to the programs of those who share my life, they need to come to this on their own. no one could give me FAITH, they led me here step by step, and continue to lead me still. my choice is to either accept their gifts or walk away. as always, in the end, my personal growth comes down to me, and there are time i hate that. yes there is a 4TH Step looming in my life, and yes i am still balking at moving forward for numerous reasons, that sound oh so rational. the truth is the battle being waged is currently being won by the addict within, and my FAITH is taking a licking. somehow i have got the notion that clean time has made me unique, and that I DO NOT HAVE TO DO the next right thing. as i write that, i see the intersection in the path before me, and this is not a fork in the road that is lightly traveled, in fact i have been here myself more than once. my choice then has to be, to follow the path of recovery and write the stuff i have been avoiding or merrily trip downhill into a spiritual lapse that could lead to my own demise, at my own hand. pain or more pain, that is the choice i see before me, so i guess might as well surrender to the inevitable and at least read the literature and get the process started, as i know that i am making way bigger than i need to.
so off to the shower, then a bit of work and some service and then GO BRONCOS, it would be nice to be surprised today by an upset victory.
∞ DT ∞