Blog entry for:

a couple of notions floated through my head this morning, as i sit down, take a breath and prepare to write this. the first being, i now know a suspected bank robber. i have met all sorts since i got clean, and it seems that i lived a very sheltered life in the using world, after all, all i had to deal with was petty criminals and low level drug dealers.
secondly, i do not try to make out, as if i am so spiritual, because i post this on my FaceBook page every day, or thereabouts. i may have all sorts of motives for doing so, but making myself out to be bigger, better or more spiritual are not among them, at least not consciously.
finally, i do not know about others, but for me, it is relatively easy to stay clean these days, and remembering my experience of how heinous it was and what it took, getting clean looks far more treacherous, painful and difficult to me. this is not me disagreeing or rebelling. this is me stating a simple fact, and based on what the reading said, i actually do agree, the act of getting clean, was harder than the act of staying clean, in those first six months of my recovery. i look on those first eighteen months of rebellion, uncertainty and fear, as the process of “getting clean,” even though the reading is talking about that very first experience of making the decision not to use, for that very first just for today.
yes quite a roundabout manner of approaching the subject about what it is that keeps me clean today. it certainly is not an old white man in the sky with a long beard and flowing robes. i was about to go on, and talk about w\\hat it is not, but that really is just argumentative and distracting. it is certainly FAITH that keeps me clean today. FAITH that this program will continue to work for me. FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will provide me the opportunity to get everything i need. the FAITH that if i wake up and pay attention, i will see those opportunities and be able to grasp them. i have FAITH, that IF i let go of my notions of what i think i should be, i will become the person i have always desired to be. most importantly, i have FAITH, that if i do what i have done, i will continue to stray clean, just for today.
when i9 think of what i do, on a daily basis, to stay clean, i guess it is a whole lot harder than making that decision to get clean, and living through those very first months of ”just for the next five minutes.” that part of the staying clean process, was without a doubt, one of the hardest things i had to endure, EVER! yet, here i am, not robbing banks, and looking like one of those square is was oh so fond of scorning, back in that life. i mean seriously, going away for a weekend, because i was INVITED to a wedding for some friends? who would of thunk it?
anyhow, as i move forward into this very busy and event filled weekend, i know that if i pay attention, i will be given everything that i need, including the ability to be a part of the world around me. and surprise! surprise! everything i NEED to stay clean today.

∞ DT ∞