Blog entry for:

today, i will keep FAITH with the POWER that fuels my recovery. so the job i really, really want, is not calling back for an in person interview, even though they told my recruiter that they would. the job offer i took, which i am also excited about, is caught up in red tape. ARGHHH!
well back from my distraction, and it is taking me a minute to figure out where i was…
that is correct, FAITH! i have recently uncovered the core of my FAITH,, such as it ism, and although i have mentioned it more than once, i have added very little detail as to what it means to me today. just so we are all on the same page: IT IS the core of my FAITH that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is for me to stay clean today. so perhaps it is fitting that not only do i expound on staying clean, but how that ties into my current belief structure, no matter how temporary it may be.
for me. getting clean was the hardest thing i ever did, and staying clean in those first 180 days, was not that much easier, and yet, despite my resistance and my stubborn insistence on returning to the life i once had, i did stay clean through that period and built the framework that continues to keep me clean today. my self-will gets hammered upon by the waves of change that are part of staying clean, day after day. in those days, it was all about self-will and as futile as it seems today, i was certain that my desire to use, and return to the twilight life i thought i enjoyed, seemed inevitable, all i had to do was get off paper and voila, there i would be. the POWER that fuels my recovery, however, seemed to and still seems to, have a different idea for me, as i keep getting whatever i need to stay clean in the her and now. whether that something is someone to love, a career that i love, a job that pays the bills and yes even excites me or just the words i need to hear at one of the meetings i attend on a regular basis, i get what i NEED. when i accept those gifts, i can and do stay clean, because i am a greedy person, and i want it all. especially now that i have a glimpse of what the person and man i want to be, looks like. that vision, as fleeting and incomplete as it is, drives me forward into the surf of change, with just the tiniest bit of FAITH, that this too, is part of what i NEED to do, to live the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
anyhow, distractions aside, the evidence that has accumulated over the past 5500 days, all adds up to something has provided everything i needed to get here today. that SOMETHING,. may or may not be conscious or have any human attributes, but certainly has been a FORCE in my life, pushing me beyond the pipe dreams that were my life as a using addict. what will today bring? well as clueless as i like to pretend that i am, i can say without a doubt, everything i NEED to stay clean toady and HOPEFULLY all the stuff i need to thrive in recovery as well.
it really is as simple as all of that. the time has come to jump in the shower and hit the tasks i have on my desk, as this day may be one of the last i have the freedom to come and go as i please, after all, i do want a full-time regular paycheck rolling in. and yes, it is a good day to be living clean and following my FAITH into the fire of life on life's terms.

∞ DT ∞