Blog entry for:

getting clean -> one of the hardest tasks in my life. staying clean -> certainly these days anyhow, the easier softer way. way back when i did not believe i needed the program and took on the GOD of my very first sponsor to be become my concept of a HIGHER POWER, i started a daily recovery routine. as ignorant or needy as it sounds, that “routine” is more ritual than anything else and i totally own it. what was once a suggestion from a member of another fellowship, has become the cornerstone of my every day life. what i once did out of trying to look like everyone else, has become a testament to my FAITH in this recovery program. although i abandoned the program that my original sponsor still is a part of, long, long, long time ago, because i never did fit there, you know the round peg in a square hole, it fits in the hole, but does not fill the space, i still practice more than one of his suggestions to this day. i owe a debt of gratitude to him and what he gave me, even though the package it came in was far from satisfactory to me. in fact, i can say without any reservation, i could have never stayed clean or created the life i have, had i not jumped ship, in that moment of desperation, eighteen months into my recovery. that is certainly old news and i can see why some of my peers cling to that other fellowship, when their lives are being enhanced by the one i live. i am not nostalgic at all about what happened there, but grateful that i got what i did.
part of the recovery routine that frames my days, is a quick little prayer asking to be kept clean and giving thanks when i go to bed clean. i do not ask for “help” to stay clean, because i accept i am totally without power when it comes to addiction. adopting that as my core belief was not an event that occurred after my first day, first week or first several years clean. no, for me, it was something i had to come to believe, over the course of my recovery. while i saw my peers recovering and becoming more than they were, when they walked into the rooms, i lacked the FAITH necessary to ever think that this program could bring about the same results for me. i know the program i started in, would not have brought me to the place i am at today and when i came to this one, i doubted that it would work for me, as well. i KNOW today, that the single promise FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION, is now and always has been, more than enough for this addict.
the FAITH that drives my life these days, is that IF i do my best to live a program of active recovery, THEN i will stay clean another day. <mic drop> with that thought in mind, it is getting to the place where i need to get out and pound some miles. my physical fitness routine, is just one of the many gifts that have been manifest in my life, as a result of that singular promise. i owe myself the chance to live better, physically, emotionally, and spiritually and =today, my FAITH makes that a reality.

∞ DT ∞