Blog entry for:

the resources i need to live clean, includes being able to surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, which i may choose to call GOD.
for me, staying clean is not all that hard today and it was my FEAR of trying to get clean again, that fueled my recovery for quite some time. there have been some trials and tribulations in my life and just because i am clean today, there is no guarantee i will be clean tomorrow. i say that because the reality of my situation is that i am an addict, garden variety, no different than addicts anywhere else in the world regardless of their socioeconomic standing. as such, the only thing that makes me a bit different is that i CHOOSE to be abstinent today and work an active program of recovery to maintain my ability to make that choice. i make mistakes, bad decisions and cave into DESIRE just as any human being may do and the consequences may not be to my liking, but at the end of this day my FAITH in the recovery program that has brought me this far, will allow me to suffer through the less than desirable parts of my day and live clean another day. no, this is not some bizarro world or alternate reality. i am still cynical and look tat life through lenses that are far from rose-coloured. what is truly strange and unusual is i am not feeling what i would expect to feel: white-hot rage, an overwhelming desire to get even and worry. so i guess i have more than a modicum of FAITH left within me. i have to also have FAITH that what i am feeling, is what i am supposed to be feeling and move into my day.
will i stay clean today? i think that is a very strong possibility, if i allow myself the FREEDOM to let go and be okay. i know that i am great at telling myself a lie or two just to get through a day, but it is no lie that i have the DESIRE to stay clean and progress in my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞