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when i reflect on the state i was in, when i came to, i can see that i admitted that addiction was more powerful than i was, and i stopped trying to fight it on my own.
honestly, even though i was required by law to stop using, and i got caught multiple times, betrayed by my bodily fluids, i still had the notion that i just need to be strong. that somehow, this stubborn, hard-headed person, could on my own will get clean, at least long enough to get out the jam that brought me to recovery. my denial system, colored reality and because i had stopped using all sorts of things, for long periods of time, including some of the most addictive substances in the world, i had the mistaken notion it was all about will-power. even after i got clean, those thirteen months was all about the substances and delivery methods, and not about the real issue, addiction. even though i did not believe i NEED an outside power to get and stay clean, i went along for the ride, superstitiously mimicking those i saw, using words like powerlessness and God, just like they did, even though i did not believe. if that is not getting clean on FAITH, i am not quite sure what it was.
today, i know, that it is addiction and not the drugs that were my problem. when i see members walking in and out of the revolving door, i often wonder what it is, that makes me so different. i mean i did not believe, i do not have a standard definition of a HIGHER POWER, even as suggested in the literature, i am out and about in the normal world and i have no sword hanging over my head with dire consequences the second i do anything off the slightest beaten path. i mean WTF, why is staying clean so easy for me, when others struggle with it?
if i knew the answer to that question, i would save all sorts of struggling addicts, the truth is, i do not know, why this stuff works for me. perhaps it was my struggle to define the POWER that fuels my recovery, than landed me in a state that provides the means to stay clean day after day. perhaps it is the consequences of staying clean, that provides the feedback cycle that keeps me doing what hundreds of thousands of addicts around the world do, stay clean, no matter what. it is not like my desire to change the way i feel has gone away nor have many of my so-called “core issues” been resolved, i am still as crazy and neurotic as i once was. so when i strip it all away, it is FAITH that keeps me clean. i stay clean, because i like the consequences of not using and i seek a POWER greater than me, to provide me the means to stay clean, just for today.
of course that may change tomorrow, but i will think about that tomorrow, today i have work to do and stuff to get out the door. it is a great day to walk in FAITH that as long as i accept that POWER into my life, i can and will stay clean.

∞ DT ∞