β i still have fleeting, highly charged emotional memories of a really uncomfortable past β
Posted: Tue, Oct 27, 2009 08:55:47 AM
the guilt, fear, and anger that once dominated me may spill into my new life, complicating my efforts to change and grow. so this morning, i am already a bit frustrated, my shiny new operating system, that was so highly functional yesterday, has slowed to a crawl this morning, hence necessitating a reinstall, BUMMER!
that, as a slice of life, really is far from germane to this topic and where i went in my quiet time this morning. well, maybe i can twist it into this by saying that the man who walked into the rooms would have already been turning to chemical relief to numb his frustration. although i have not moved into acceptance about this i am much closer.
as i have grown up in recovery, i have learned to feel more and more, and those emotions seem to affect me deeper and stronger than before. the nice part of this growing up process, is that even though i can feel more, and feel deeper than ever before, i no longer need to act and react to those feelings in the old tried and true ways.
back at this again, i forgot to do a bit of work, before writing and had to get it done, before everyone started showing up,
now where was i? oh yeah, i was going on about feeling feelings stronger than ever but behaving differently, which really is a bit off topic from where i intended to go. memories have such strong feelings attached to them, that i now get that only through the process of working the steps, could i start to disconnect those buttons. i have finally begun to see my past as a tool, rather than as something to hide from myself and the world around me. i guess i am certainly not going to be spouting off pertinent details of my last fourth step on talk radio, BUT, one on one, when needed there are parts of my past that will be helpful for me to share with another addict who may be struggling reconciling what they have done, with the preson they are becoming.
the person i am becoming is no longer a victim of his past behaviors, nor will he be bullied, cajoled, flattered, shamed or manipulated into deciding something whose time has not yet come. i know for many of my friends this is not news, and i only repeat it for my own benefit. when i come against such behavior, i am still quick to anger, which i allow myself to feel, but do not act-out upon it, after all, the person that is trying to force the decision has lost their way and is behaving according their current moral compass, more than likely totally oblivious of how far from spiritual their actions are today. for me, the past is teaching me that the ends do not justify the means, and although i may have some lingering hostility, i do not have to act upon that either. as the recent past suggests, i am getting better, and i can survive without attention and praise.
so it is off to hit the streets this cool and cloudy October morning, and then get a bit of work accomplished before landing in the gar shop. it is a good day to be in recovery,
that, as a slice of life, really is far from germane to this topic and where i went in my quiet time this morning. well, maybe i can twist it into this by saying that the man who walked into the rooms would have already been turning to chemical relief to numb his frustration. although i have not moved into acceptance about this i am much closer.
as i have grown up in recovery, i have learned to feel more and more, and those emotions seem to affect me deeper and stronger than before. the nice part of this growing up process, is that even though i can feel more, and feel deeper than ever before, i no longer need to act and react to those feelings in the old tried and true ways.
back at this again, i forgot to do a bit of work, before writing and had to get it done, before everyone started showing up,
now where was i? oh yeah, i was going on about feeling feelings stronger than ever but behaving differently, which really is a bit off topic from where i intended to go. memories have such strong feelings attached to them, that i now get that only through the process of working the steps, could i start to disconnect those buttons. i have finally begun to see my past as a tool, rather than as something to hide from myself and the world around me. i guess i am certainly not going to be spouting off pertinent details of my last fourth step on talk radio, BUT, one on one, when needed there are parts of my past that will be helpful for me to share with another addict who may be struggling reconciling what they have done, with the preson they are becoming.
the person i am becoming is no longer a victim of his past behaviors, nor will he be bullied, cajoled, flattered, shamed or manipulated into deciding something whose time has not yet come. i know for many of my friends this is not news, and i only repeat it for my own benefit. when i come against such behavior, i am still quick to anger, which i allow myself to feel, but do not act-out upon it, after all, the person that is trying to force the decision has lost their way and is behaving according their current moral compass, more than likely totally oblivious of how far from spiritual their actions are today. for me, the past is teaching me that the ends do not justify the means, and although i may have some lingering hostility, i do not have to act upon that either. as the recent past suggests, i am getting better, and i can survive without attention and praise.
so it is off to hit the streets this cool and cloudy October morning, and then get a bit of work accomplished before landing in the gar shop. it is a good day to be in recovery,
∞ DT ∞