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loses its control over me, i am free to become the person i have always wanted to be, even before i had a clue of who or what that person was. listening in the brief slice of time i allowed myself to sit this morning, i kept coming back to my past, and how that past has shaped the person i am today. in that sense, the past is my ally and friend, as it provides many examples of who i might not want to continue top be, and even glimmers of HOPE through the morass of the shite, that filled my life. in those quite moments this morning, i took that notion a bit further and saw that many people in recovery, myself included, often feel that they are victims of their past. being a victim and playing the victim, are two different things, and there are cases in my life, where i was really a victim, but for me, i played the victim far more often than i was actually a victim. in this sense, i can speak for myself only and will not venture into the Terra incognita of what my peers may think or feel.
what did it take for me, to free myself of the weight of my past and see it as a tool rather than as something that is preventing my metamorphosis into someone i truly desire to be? first and foremost, i had to get past the notion that being an addict was a shameful state that needed to be hidden from the view of ALL civil society. part of the little flame war i was participating in the other day was the other participant had yet to let go of their shame about who and what they are. shame is one of those strange feelings, that i have power and control over, all the time. others may judge me, but it is me who is responsible for taking on those judgements and creating a sense of shame. in a sense, i am allowing them to make me a victim of my past, once again. i certainly do not conform to many of the the standards society has put in place and in all of that, there is the fact that i am an addict. i did not ask or choose to be an addict and call it disease, a condition or a syndrome, the fact is, that i am PERIOD! i can allow that fact of my life weigh me down, like some sort of twisted anchor built of shame, blame and denial. or i can accept my past as a gift, run it through the filter of the steps and allow it to take its proper perspective. i do not have to be a tool, who believes that others can shame me and own that shame like some sort of badge of honor.
the guilt i feel over what i was and what i did is one thing and by taking responsibility for my actions and living a program, that weight is being lessened each and every day. i refuse to take on that guilt and transform it into shame, just for today. i refuse to allow myself to play the victim to my past and my addiction, just for today. i accept that if i truly want to be FREE, of all of the garbage that has come before, i NEED to continue to live my life in active recovery. no matter how much greener the grass looks on the other side, being a poser or a recovery thief, is not who i want to be, today. with that in mind, it is time for me to shuffle off to the office to get a few things accomplished before i start a well-deserved bit of time off.

∞ DT ∞