β the guilt, fear, and anger that once dominated me may spill into my new life, complicating my efforts to change and grow. β
Posted: Fri, Oct 27, 2006 08:25:28 AM
even though the program that has given me this new manner of living, no let me rephrase that, has given me this new life actually works. true, i do not grow when i choose to do nothing the foster that growth. it is also true that i can choose to dwell in the my murky past, whining about how bad i was and how bad things were for me, i am just that sort of nut some days. it is also true that i can worry about the future and try to manipulate the outcomes i desire but do not necessarily need.
most of all, it is true that i have choices today to not do any of those things. that is one of the greatest gifts that i have received to date. i have worked through those six heinous steps in the middle of the set of twelve, and will do so again, in fact i am finishing up my third fourth step now. and i may joke about how heinous those steps are as a set and individually, the truth is that the pain the works creates is more than rewarded by the sense of relief i get upon completion of each of those steps and the set of six as a whole. it is true that the process provides me a manner of living that lets me accept my past and let go of my future and just live the best i can in the here and now. but of course, i have choices today, and one of those choices may be to let the guilt of my checkered past become shame, and let that shame destroy any feelings of self-acceptance i may have. after all, i am still an addict , and that part of me i call my disease still is active in my life, even though i am not using. more and more every day i am beginning to see why people like me decide that at this point in their recovery, using mind-altering substances feels and appears to be a good option. and i can not kid myself about this fact, USING IS ALWAYS AN OPTION! that means i have to choose to do the work before me and continue the growth process, else i too will succumb to the sirens’s call of just one, and that is not something i desire today.
most of all, it is true that i have choices today to not do any of those things. that is one of the greatest gifts that i have received to date. i have worked through those six heinous steps in the middle of the set of twelve, and will do so again, in fact i am finishing up my third fourth step now. and i may joke about how heinous those steps are as a set and individually, the truth is that the pain the works creates is more than rewarded by the sense of relief i get upon completion of each of those steps and the set of six as a whole. it is true that the process provides me a manner of living that lets me accept my past and let go of my future and just live the best i can in the here and now. but of course, i have choices today, and one of those choices may be to let the guilt of my checkered past become shame, and let that shame destroy any feelings of self-acceptance i may have. after all, i am still an addict , and that part of me i call my disease still is active in my life, even though i am not using. more and more every day i am beginning to see why people like me decide that at this point in their recovery, using mind-altering substances feels and appears to be a good option. and i can not kid myself about this fact, USING IS ALWAYS AN OPTION! that means i have to choose to do the work before me and continue the growth process, else i too will succumb to the sirens’s call of just one, and that is not something i desire today.
∞ DT ∞