π the guilt and fear π
Posted: Sat, Oct 27, 2018 04:43:00 PM
that plagued me for so long, is being replaced by HOPE and FAITH, against all odds. somewhere along the way in my last set of 12 steps, i found balance and an internal peace that has been so noticeably active in my life, for what seems like forever. i have been clueless as to what fostered that process and what exactly was at the center of my new found internal balance. not that i object, in fact i find that balance to be s driving force in my life, one that allows me reexamine my commitment to service and perhaps find a different direction. in my home group this morning, one of my peers shared about how he was starting to understand and embrace his relationship with FEAR and all of a sudden there was a sonic boom as i pulled my head out of my a$$. that is precisely what happened in that last set of steps, i finally broke up with FEAR and came to embrace a relationship with FAITH, for perhaps the first time in my life, certainly for the first time in my recovery journey.
as i look back on my past, i can see that FEAR and my relationship with it, was among the driving factors of my active addiction. when i was high, i felt fearless, confident and in control of myself and the world around me. getting clean, against my will as it seems, left me little or nothing to replace that respite from the self-centered fear that drove me. sure spending money and pretending i was some sort of recovery “minion” helped, but deep down was the FEAR of the world and everything in it. no matter how hard i attempted to make myself look courageous and fearless, the self-centered fear i walked into the rooms with, was still in control of my internal landscape.
over time, that FEAR diminished, but it never went away. at first it was FEAR of re-offending, then once i accepted that i was an addict and NEEDED to be in recovery, it was the FEAR of relapse, that drove me to work the steps and so passionately defend my fellowship from all enemies, real or imagined. then it was FEAR of being viewed as “less than” by my peers in the rooms, because i was not making a big enough service “splash.” on and on, the inventory could go, but in the end, it was letting go of what i though the “proper” was and finding my own spiritual path, that allowed me to put my relationship with FEAR into the past. i am far from fearless, but FEAR no longer rules me and for that i am grateful. that part of my past, has finally been put to rest and i think that i will stay clean today, to keep it there.
as i look back on my past, i can see that FEAR and my relationship with it, was among the driving factors of my active addiction. when i was high, i felt fearless, confident and in control of myself and the world around me. getting clean, against my will as it seems, left me little or nothing to replace that respite from the self-centered fear that drove me. sure spending money and pretending i was some sort of recovery “minion” helped, but deep down was the FEAR of the world and everything in it. no matter how hard i attempted to make myself look courageous and fearless, the self-centered fear i walked into the rooms with, was still in control of my internal landscape.
over time, that FEAR diminished, but it never went away. at first it was FEAR of re-offending, then once i accepted that i was an addict and NEEDED to be in recovery, it was the FEAR of relapse, that drove me to work the steps and so passionately defend my fellowship from all enemies, real or imagined. then it was FEAR of being viewed as “less than” by my peers in the rooms, because i was not making a big enough service “splash.” on and on, the inventory could go, but in the end, it was letting go of what i though the “proper” was and finding my own spiritual path, that allowed me to put my relationship with FEAR into the past. i am far from fearless, but FEAR no longer rules me and for that i am grateful. that part of my past, has finally been put to rest and i think that i will stay clean today, to keep it there.
∞ DT ∞