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by my past, NO MORE! there is an old adage in the nutrition world; **you are what you eat.** the meaning of that is far from cryptic and yet it applies to the reading this morning as well. i am the product of all that has happened before in my life. that is a fact that is undeniable. no matter how long i stay clean or how many times i work the steps, my past is what made me what i am today. my prejudices, biases, attitudes and world view, has been shaped by that past, BUT i have a framework in place that takes all of that into account and allows me to transcend all of that. i no longer need **eat** the guilt and shame of what i once did, nor do i need to suppress those memories or avoid the victims of that same checkered past, i can embrace it, see it for what it is, and let it go.
the question then remains, IF i am a product of all that has come before, how is it that i can walk through my life, without being controlled by that very same past? this paradox is resolved through active application of living the program of recovery i have been offered. in this case, knowledge is power and what i did, some of it quite heinous, is stuff i do no more, because i have the means of living a life beyond that of a using addict. because i have my finger on what drives me, at least some of the time, i no longer have to react to situations, in fact most of the time i have a choice to pause, ponder and act, instead of the nearly autonomic reactions that i had burned into my social circuitry over the course of my active addiction. i used to joke about being bran-washed by the program, but a better metaphor might be rewired. i was not “dirty,” i was just wired poorly and needed a major upgrade to get up to code. just like a building going through such a renovation needs a period of demolition, before the new wiring can be installed, so did i. that demolition process and the subsequent rewiring of my behavior is the result of working the steps. i look at my character defects as what they are, defects of character, not good or bad, they just are. i see that i may not have power over what my shortcomings are, but those behaviors now have circuit breakers that can trip before i act out. the 10th Step provides a heat map of what i do each day, and when i look at my day without applying a value judgement, i get the rational look i need to correct my course and see those places where my wiring may be apt to start a fire, to stretch this metaphor to its fullest.
so what has changed, one might ask? what has changed, is i am no longer owned by addiction, yes, i am still an addict. yes i still need to maintain my abstinent lifestyle and yes the power i have over addiction comes from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i lived in FEAR of the shadow of relapse for far too long, in my recovery. when i look back at that part of my recovery career, it is amazing i stayed clean. i guess until i learned what it was like to live in the HOPE that the program, AS IT IS WRITTEN and has come down to me, would work for the addict i am, i could move no further in my life. it is not that i have lost my respect for the possibility of relapse, i have not. relapse is one of the many paths i can travel today, all i have to do is make the choice to stop doing what i have been doing, and then there i will be. to walk around in mortal FEAR of the relapse sword hanging over my head though, is not living the gift of recovery i have been given. i live in the FAITH that IF i keep doing what i have been doing, namely living a program, i WILL NOT relapse. it really is that simple and of course there really is no evidence for that, as i have never been in this territory before.
my past is a tool and a valuable resource, but is no longer the driving factor in my life today. like the phoenix, i get to be reborn into a life beyond my wildest dreams, the flames, my past, are the crucible that melded me into the man i becoming today.

∞ DT ∞