β i want to look my past in the face, see it for what it really was β
Posted: Wed, Oct 27, 2010 08:53:11 AM
and release it so i can live today.
well the past twenty-four has been an interesting one. a companion on this journey died suddenly and violently at the hands of an weather related auto accident. i numbed my feelings yesterday by diving into work and although the amount of work i produced was not overly large, the quality of that work was well above my average. i went to a meeting last night, just so i could allow myself he freedom to feel my feelings and was hit right between the eyes by something i said to another addict earlier in the day. my oh so glib suggestion to her was to feel what she needed to feel, and she shared that helped her, i blithely ignored my own suggestion and as a result, when the day was done, i had some unprocessed feelings. so this morning, my plan is to do a bit of step work, do some paid work, run some errands pay some bills and allow myself to feel what i need to feel. the processing that i avoided yesterday is in full force, this morning and the seeds of some actions i started last week will bear their fruit today.
am i talking around the topic, perhaps, sometimes it is the long path that gets me to where i am going. in the past, when i encountered unpleasant feelings, i did my best to avoid them, when avoidance was not working there was always my old reliable standby for feeling, one quick dose and those unpleasant feelings would once again be gone. well as i shared last night,, that is an option i choose not to exercise these days. yes i am sad at Carrie's passing, and i could use all the platitudes about plans and designs beyond my ken to make myself better. the naked unvarnished truth of the matter is, she lost control of her car, in inclement weather and died as a result PERIOD. she is gone and the world is that much emptier as a result. my job? to honor her memory by doing my best to make the world a bit more full, by doing the next right thing. oh yeah and crying and wailing when that desire comes upon me, sharing my pain with others and NOT avoiding my feelings as they surface from within.
the steps and the journey through the recovery process, allow me to do just that, and my past is no longer a harbinger of what today will be, except in the one case, the one in which i CHOOSE TO USE, instead of allowing myself the opportunity to grieve as i need to grieve.
so how am i doing this morning, as well as can be expected, i am up, i slept and right now i may just need to sit for a few minutes and allow myself to feel. who knows, i am moving forward and will see what i can do today to be the best i can be. it is yet another good day to be clean.
well the past twenty-four has been an interesting one. a companion on this journey died suddenly and violently at the hands of an weather related auto accident. i numbed my feelings yesterday by diving into work and although the amount of work i produced was not overly large, the quality of that work was well above my average. i went to a meeting last night, just so i could allow myself he freedom to feel my feelings and was hit right between the eyes by something i said to another addict earlier in the day. my oh so glib suggestion to her was to feel what she needed to feel, and she shared that helped her, i blithely ignored my own suggestion and as a result, when the day was done, i had some unprocessed feelings. so this morning, my plan is to do a bit of step work, do some paid work, run some errands pay some bills and allow myself to feel what i need to feel. the processing that i avoided yesterday is in full force, this morning and the seeds of some actions i started last week will bear their fruit today.
am i talking around the topic, perhaps, sometimes it is the long path that gets me to where i am going. in the past, when i encountered unpleasant feelings, i did my best to avoid them, when avoidance was not working there was always my old reliable standby for feeling, one quick dose and those unpleasant feelings would once again be gone. well as i shared last night,, that is an option i choose not to exercise these days. yes i am sad at Carrie's passing, and i could use all the platitudes about plans and designs beyond my ken to make myself better. the naked unvarnished truth of the matter is, she lost control of her car, in inclement weather and died as a result PERIOD. she is gone and the world is that much emptier as a result. my job? to honor her memory by doing my best to make the world a bit more full, by doing the next right thing. oh yeah and crying and wailing when that desire comes upon me, sharing my pain with others and NOT avoiding my feelings as they surface from within.
the steps and the journey through the recovery process, allow me to do just that, and my past is no longer a harbinger of what today will be, except in the one case, the one in which i CHOOSE TO USE, instead of allowing myself the opportunity to grieve as i need to grieve.
so how am i doing this morning, as well as can be expected, i am up, i slept and right now i may just need to sit for a few minutes and allow myself to feel. who knows, i am moving forward and will see what i can do today to be the best i can be. it is yet another good day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞