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does not make them go away, embracing generosity as the means to defer those feelings, may give me time to stop, take a breath, emotionally and physically, and find a fresh path. i have said it in the past, and it bears to be repeated now, that for me, taking on a “newcomer” project is not the ways and means to working through difficult times. my peers, may believe that is the case and i certainly applaud their efforts. what i heard this morning, however, was not anything close to that. i know that i am not that far out of step with most of those with whom i share my recovery when i say that being present for others, seeking out the next right thing to do and giving of myself, are their own rewards. if i happen to get out of feeling something i would rather not feel, well that is a bonus.
as i sat this morning, i actually had very little come up from the depths and certainly no concerns about which stick i was going to smoke, how i was going to win my fantasy football playoff or my next project at work. although i slept like shit last night, due to an overindulgence in highly caffeinated beverages, yesterday afternoon, as i enjoyed watching my fantasy team kill my opponent, i feel okay and more rested than my fitness tracker reports. what i did not do yesterday, was go over my FIRST STEP writing to see what, is anything, i may need to add.
i have to admit that for the first time in what feels like centuries but is more than likely merely weeks, i feel okay with myself and my place in it. i may not get my TSA PRE number before traveling to Panama, and i may not end up winning any more games in fantasy football, but i know i have a job, that i am on the verge of closing my Mom's estate, i have my Christmas shopping done and the gifts are wrapped and i have far more cigars in my humidor than i truly need or even want, right now. i know that last fact was an overreaction to what it was i was feeling, even if i could not name that feeling. one more symptom that i NEED to get moving on my step work.
as i run out of stuff to write about, i can see that it is time for me to dress out and hit the neighborhood byways for a brisk workout. as i emerge from the fog of feeling what i do not care to feel and seeing what i have chosen to ignore, i know that my next is to keep my side of the street clean and look for the opportunities to get out of myself and to feel and practice the spirit of generosity, just for today.

∞ DT ∞