Blog entry for:

about what is actually true for me and deciding what part of that is helpful to share. after breakfast and step work with my sponsor this morning, i accepted the invitation to be the addict who did an extended share. as i have said more than once before, the TENTH Tradition and the part of what is and what is not an “outside issue,” is something i aspire to uphold. i shared about my journey through the process of my life and how, as was living the lie of being too broken to show my true self for a decade before i stumbled into active addiction, has left me at this stage of my life in a place where i am not quite sure who i am. the freedom to uncover that person was granted to me, by the release of telling my sponse in my last Fifth STEP and ever since i have been stumbling and bumbling my way into showing what is actually true for me and what is smoke and mirrors. one thing is true, i am woke AF and am passionate about social justice and the politics of inclusion.
although politics and recovery are certainly strange bedfellows, as i wake up to the fact that i am less than pleased with the direction my society seems to be headed, i also know that when i am in the rooms, sharing about my passionate beliefs in this manner may not have the result i desire and might be the cause for others to shut-down and stop listening to the message of recovery i am attempting to convey. my sponse asked me if my FEAR of finding out who i am was tied to me not liking myself or that others may not like me. for the most part it is the former, but the latter was how i lived my life for such a long time, that it is hard to dispel, once it takes root, again. it certainly is a clue to my insanity and although i have been granted a brief “vacation” from step work, by the grace of my sponsor, i know my mind will be turning it over and over and over.
moving into reality for what i wish to get done this afternoon, i know that some water on my parched lawn, a trip to the mailbox and maybe a nap may be on tap. i also know that my daily Twitter activity is coming up soon, as well. it is a good day to walk through the FEAR of not knowing who i am and allow myself the freedom just to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞