Blog entry for:

my primary motivation was: to get, to use, and to find ways and means to get more. spiritually bankrupt is quite a euphemism for my true spiritual state, but instead of taking a hundred words or more describing a condition familiar to most of us, i will use that term and move on. yes, uin early recovery, addiction turned from the process of getting and using of drugs for me to the getting and using and finding the means to get more toys and things. after all, when i no longer had to spend all my resources on substances i could accumulate things, the part of me i call addiction took off with that like fire through a dry grassland. although i stopped short of bankrupting myself financially, it still was an issue for quite some time in recovery.
yesterday i spoke of the thunderbolt experience that i has without realizing it, and during my run, i figured out when it happened, well not exactly as i could not really remember it, but close enough to see where in the continuum of my recovery things changed. that experience happened shortly sometime in the third year of my recovery, but the part of me that likes bright and shiny things kept knowledge of that event suppressed until just recently. man i hate that there are so many competing motives within me. at least when i was active in my addiction there was a simple however foul, course to my existence. that single-minded pursuit of filling the needs of a using addict colored everything, and when i look back seemed so much simpler. as i grow in recovery, i see that single-mindedness can be replaced with the need to foster my spiritual self as much as possible, but i resist, or better put, i flat out rebel. after all, i still do not want to be a ‘goody two-shoes.’
the reading this morning brings that particular dichotomy back to the forefront of my consciousness. the battle between the material and the spiritual. profane versus divine. often the profane material side wins without any problem, or at least it used to. i can see myself responding in a more spiritual manner all the time, while still getting to be me. perhaps, my true vision for me is closer to the ‘two-shoes’ than the thug i was when i walked into the room. perhaps, it is truly the divine being that i really wish to foster and the physical shell only needs to be maintained, perhaps i am going far too deep this early Sunday morning. i do know that questions like these, were hardly ever considered when i was using, unless of course there was a certain cocktail of substances and people present. i certainly would never have considered any of this by myself in the quiet of meditation or its subsequent effects on my conscious thought process. i can see, as i approach the end of this mind dum0p, that my greatest NEED today, is to allow the spiritual to take its rightfully deserved place in the scheme of things within and without me. i can also feel that as i approach another step cycle there will once again be a major paradigm shift within me, and i am starting to welcome that change. so my goal for today, is to allow myself to be as spiritually successful as possible and do my best to be present for the changes that decision brings. it is a good day to recover and it certainly is a good day to take Odin out for a trot around the neighborhood. off to the races i go!

∞ DT ∞