Blog entry for:

i am free to live with others on an equal footing. well that certainly is a nice thought, and a goal to shoot for, BUT, i hardly free from obsession with myself and what i think i need. i think i need lots of money from time to time. i think i want to be younger, thinner and have more toys. i think i need to have the world spin my way and no other. yes, and i think i need to be loved, liked and respected by everyone. a nice little dip into the cesspool of self obsession, but an interesting exercise, especially this morning when i discovered i had something seriously wrong with one of my databases at one of my side jobs. of course, they cannot work without it being up, and to prevent that ineviatble call about what is not happening, i left the house early and came over to see what i could do. it looks like i have the problem solved for today. i am running the overnight jobs right now, the database server came up without an issue, so here i sit, getting the opportunity to write this out, waiting for the prcesses to finish. so it goes.
there certainly is a symptom of allowing myself to bend to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery today, as i did come by and take care of bidness, when i could have left them hanging, even though i would not have done that. i could ahve done a lot of things, but what i did, is the next right thing and as the reading seems to indicate, when i open myself up for hearing the next right thing, i align my will with that of the POWER that fuels my recovery. as weak and feeble as it may sound, i only have today, and staying clean today is beyond my power. not that i believe that i would suddenly lose the power to stay clean, if i somehow pissed off tha POWER that fuels my recovery, BUT, i can certainly close myself off and move into the world on nasty, pointy self-will. what i really need today, and what i have access to today, is the ability to stay clean, no matter how obsessed the local news is about what is happening in the adult consumption bidness. what i need today, is the guidance to seek out and do the next right thing, putting a new spin on what i think i need and what it is that i want. i get confused about needs and wants, and today, what i need to do is finish writing this, get my daily taks done and head on over to work, where i had a brillant idea, just as i was ending my day yesterday to solve the latest task given to me, by the powers that be. it is a good day to be clean and it is a good day to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide the guidance i need and what i want is, well that well is infinitely deep, so i will just leave that alone. i do after all, have enough FAITH, to believe my needs will be met today.

∞ DT ∞