Blog entry for:

of what i need, fill my head. some of them are DESIRE, but these days some are actual needs that can be provided to me, if i pay attention to the world around me. one desire that i see might become a need, if i crater to it, is a return to smoking. it is true, yesterday was my “cheat” day and i did enjoy the cigar i smoked last night at book club. actually, i enjoyed the company even more and i am committed to remaining a member of this club. this morning, my lungs feel “congested” from all the smoke in the room and my throat is “rough and scratchy.” those physical consequences are enough to tell me, that perhaps a return smoking after i comply with the stricture set down by my employer, may not be something i NEED to do. the part i really like, is that just for right now, i have no DESIRE to “cheat” again. i am satisfied that my little experiment produced results that were ambivalent at best and that the chain reaction i feared, has yet to manifest in my life. i will allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide me the means to move beyond my little foray into self-will.
what i “heard” this morning was that i am not being active enough in finding the means to dig myself out of the hole, self-will put me into. i have another “scam” offer to buy our Mexican time-share and the notion came up yesterday to ask them how much they would give me, to keep what i know on the down-low, so they could scam others. as appealing as that sounds, and trust me, it certainly did sound appealing, this morning i have decided to think before i jump into doing something that is spiritually suspect. what i did do, is bid for some side job gigs and let go of the results there as well. i will do the same thing this afternoon as well, until my fifteen bids have been consumed, as the time for me to act in my own cause has long since passed, today i will once again get off my little pot of self-pity and do something to move my life forward,

∞ DT ∞