Blog entry for:

no longer driven only by my own needs, i am free to live with others on an equal footing. this has been quite a set of 24 hours, extraordinary in many ways and certainly filled with living in the will of someone, mostly me. the harder i tried to fill my selfish needs, the harder events transpired to drag me kicking and screaming back towards the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. all sorts of information was provided to me, and as i sit here this morning and process it, i can see, that i have always known what thew will of the POWER that fuels my recovery is for me, i just chose and still choose to ignore it most of the time. oh sure, i can drop back to my default position that is the core of my FAITH: that will is for me to stay clean today; and walk away, but more and more i am beginning to sense that perhaps there is a bit more here. stuff that i am doing my best to turn a blind eye towards and mostly succeeding most of the time. the problem? there is a growing, gnawing feeling in my gut, that i cannot afford to ignore this dawning set of realizations anymore, to so puts me and my recovery program in peril, and in direct conflict with the core of my FAITH. weird as it may sound, and it REALLY sounds fVcking weird to me, i feel like i am about to have yet another experience that will shake me down to my foundation, and that i can only survive intact only IF i pay attention to what i am being told.
more and more lately, i am spinning back to the start of my recovery, and the period between actually using the way i wanted to and when i finally reached my clean date. more and more, i see what it was that i missed those first thirteen months and am starting to get a glimpse of what it is i am missing today. and more and more, i am starting to know with certainty, that i am no fluke, that once i entered the road of recovery, there would be no going back, regardless of how well the substances were working in the end and how many more trips to the euphoric place that drugs took me to, i have left in me.
i have clean-time despite me, not because of me. which quite ties this whole gig together. despite my desire to use in those early days. despite my desire not to feel pain and grief. despite my over-thinking everything and looking for the loopholes, i am still clean and i am still dedicated to living a program, not just reading about it out loud. THIS IS NO THEORY and i am NOT sitting in a drug induced coma, dreaming about what it may be like to be clean. how do i know this? with certainty i do not, but none of what i have, none of what i have done, was ever part of anything i imagined when i was living the so-called life. even when i first was getting clean, none of my life today, was part of the lost dreams that were reawakening within me.
I AM MORE THAN I EVER DREAMED WAS POSSIBLE.
so what is going on inside? who knows, and for once i do not care. i know change is happening, incrementally or tectonically, it really does not matter. i have opened a doorway in the spiritual hall of terrors and am entering the room that i was guided to. what is in here? well that will be revealed. as long as i pay attention and allow myself the freedom to be present today.
where do i go from here? why, to the shower and then off to work of course. after that, i will allow myself the freedom to be present and listen for further direction, as i am sure it is coming.

∞ DT ∞