Blog entry for:

is for knowledge of the will of GOD for me and the strength to carry that out. it is true, that i struggled making the seed for this exercise fit what i wanted to say. well not really, when i read this entry this morning i knew exactly what i wanted to write about, however, that notion, like those of my spiritual path, has been altered because i allowed myself to FEEL something more.
it would be quite easy to launch into a preaching to the choir sort of exercise, as i am a firm believer in STEP 11, in all its glory and fully aware of all of its implications for my life. it has become my favorite step, especially in this segment of my spiritual journey. learning to live in FAITH that i will be given and shown precisely what i NEED, has been difficult to say the least for me. it is true some days are better than others, and on those wonderfully good days, i let go and i FEEL the guidance and direction that i NEED to make it through any particular slice of time.
on those not so good days, i am unable to let go and live in my new found FAITH, and feel like i NEED to take over control, after all, it is the result of my efforts that has brought me to this point in my life. and so the battle begins!
this is where the the ideas expressed in the reading come in handy, and it is no coincidence that i am moving spiritually into my THIRD STEP. although the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is what i need to be listening for, and although self-will and my own true will for myself, can sometimes be aligned, it only through STEP 11 and its practice that this event can occur. what i heard this morning is that although i have done the work, and even though i have come to accept the first two steps as reality for me, that i am still more than subject to a life that is grounded in the same self-will that brought me to recovery.
one would think, that after some time walking this path, one could let go of self-will and live secure in the knowledge that will is a destructive force and wish to have that sort of destruction removed from my life.
there is a subtle satisfaction knowing that i can exercise self-will, and the part of me that rebels against authority of any type, needs to go back there time and again, to see if anything has changed. yes, i am still a risk taker, and using the metaphor of skating on the pond, there are times when i like skating close to the edge of the open water, even though the ice is thin. if i can go to the edge and successfully return to safety, i have once again got away with something. it really is irrelevant if that is part of being an addict, or part of being human, or just part of being me. the fact is, the behavior and attitude exists and it is only through application of the principles of recovery that i can have that removed.
where does that leave me today? well… this morning, i FEEL the need to get some work done at home and on the road. i FEEL the need to give my sponsor a call. i FEEL the need to catch up with the correspondence that the mail has brought me. and most importantly, i FEEL the need to let go of what i expect to accomplish today and just apply myself to the task at hand. which right here and right now id to take care of my laundry, shave and shower and prepare for another day in the real world. oh yeah, FEEL my way through the events that are going to occur as i walk out into this morning.

∞ DT ∞