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my beliefs, was not what i thought i was going to write about this morning. as i was choosing the seed for this little bit or random brainwaves, (stolen from my friend Dave Kirby), it came to me, that perhaps this was really the direction that i needed. i know i have used the phrase “random brainwaves” in the past, with no attribution to its source. it is a bit puzzling that all of a sudden, i seem to believe that i “needed” to cite its source. i put that into my “whatever” bucket and move on.
moving on, when i started this, before i went out to put some miles in, i was going to write about what i believed way back when and how over time and through the process of learning to live an active program of recovery, my beliefs have morphed into what they are today. now that seems as if i am going over the same ground. what i heard as i ran was all about my transformation into the sort of person, who really does care. in fact, three times in the past three days, i have been accused of being a “good son,” and three times, i deflected that compliment. that behavior that is quite familiar to me as part of my belief “structure” is that i NEVER do anything that does not have a pay-off. that leads to the conclusion that i am dishonest when i do accept that maybe, just maybe, i am doing something with no expectation of reward, even when it comes to my family bidness.
what i see from many of my peers, is webs of deceit and co-dependency with people who are not part of their lives any more. i do not understand how playing the same manipulative games with an ex-wife, results in any pay-off, as for me the only that strategy worked was when i was in active addiction. living in the solution, playing games is no longer part of who i believe i am. also i do not need “external” validation to feel “whole.” losing that need makes deflecting a compliment, the next right thing to do, as it feels to accept it, with anything less than a dig to myself, makes me feel less than humble. football is on and i am losing my trend of thought, so i think i will wrap this up and allow myself the freedom to do as little as possible as this day goes on.

∞ DT ∞