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the reading spoke of knowledge and not wisdom. it also spoke of power and the trio of wills, that is wrapped up in STEP 11. all of this aside, for a minute, what came to my mind this morning was an argument i have been having within, trying to figure out what is self-will and what is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. this reading could not have come on a better day for me, after all, this is what it is all about.
i have a peer that i think is withholding critical information from me, about what they are doing. i feel as if they think, that IF they came clean and owned what is going on, that i would walk away from them. unfortunately, what i think and feel, is not being disputed and what i have found in my journey through recovery is that which i choose to conceal. that which i am the most ashamed of, are the very things that keep as sick as i was yesterday. when i choose to suffer in silence, especially when i am talking with my sponse, i am choosing to remain on the path towards my inevitable relapse. my secrets cause me shame and shame is one of the feelings that were erased as a side-effect of getting high. my saving grace is that i have a bit of clean time and some step cycles under my belt. that grace is far from being reliable and dependable, but it will keep me in the rooms long enough to pull my head out of my a$$. the debate that is going on is this: do i confront my peer with the stuff i have heard or do i just let them twist in the wind, thinking they are pulling something off? where i keep ending up, as sad and as heinous as i feel it is, is that i just need to let go and allow my peer to do what they want to do, and if they choose to come clean, accept that it is the will of something greater than me. in the meantime, i let bit go, difficult as it is, being okay that the end result is out of my power.
yes that terrible trio, self-will, GOD's will and my true will for myself, is what the battle is all about today. although i WANT to say, what the fVck are you doing, i know that if i do, the results will not be to my liking. i know this because when i stopped and listened this morning, that i what i felt. allowing the lie, either by omission or commission, is what the next right thing to do is, and it slays me to do so.

• self-will: call someone on their sh!t
• true will:let it go and believe they will man up
• God's will: not my stuff, walk away!

moving along, finally, what i hear now, is get rolling down the road to the tasks i did not accomplish yesterday, before sitting at a friend's house and watching to see if my home team goes into the playoffs with a bye or as the sixth seed. it is a good day to be honests and more importantly for me right now, to be open to the possibilities i cannot see or imagine. i am just another addict in recovery and today, at l;east, i having nothing to be ashamed of, at least nothing that i can recall. perhaps, this lingering on the end of STEP 11, was meant to be and is part of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. it certainly has given me the space to be okay, figuring this stuff out.

∞ DT ∞