Blog entry for:

not come to recovery on a winning streak. denial had helped me ignore the wreckage, but those days are long gone. as i sit here this morning, on my last day of not working, i am a bit overwhelmed by all that i was not, when i consider the person who walked into the rooms of recovery. as anyone who has read more than a few of these little exercises can tell, i am not one of those who believe that every day is a “good” day and that all that happens is part of some divine plan of which i am clueless. that was true back in those dark days of my terminal active addiction and it is still true today. there is a HUGE caveat to that last statement, as i do believe i have more good days than bad, when the tally man, tallies those bananas. i also no longer wonder about the “plan” and take the good with the bad. oh yeah, the Jedi mind trick of naming problems as challenges, is not part of my daily life either. i know i have problems, each and every day. some have solutions, others, well i have to accept that if the solution exists, it is currently beyond my ken.
each and every day, these days anyhow, i make my best effort at stopping the internal judge, jury and executioner that has already declared me guilty of being a clumsy, idiotic wretch of a person with no redeeming qualities. even though i recognize that fr the lie it happens to be, i still disparage myself when my humanity kicks in and i make a mistake or misstep. needless to say, it is much quieter and a whole lot more subtle than it has ever been and that makes it all that much trickier. as i step into my step work and start to take a peek at the current nature of my insanity and seek a state of being where i am approaching sanity, i know that i will be better able to accept myself, as i am, in this very minute. sure i may still daydream about being rich, famous and powerful, but i know that is fantasy and not reality. just for today, i can and i will look to see myself as the whole person i have become and the those disparate parts that walked into the rooms, on that court card who was doing the minimum amount of work to comply with the powers that were running my life, today, i am freed from active addiction and my need to be the best, brightest and loudest member of the tribe.

∞ DT ∞