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at this point on my journey through recovery i still get twisted up about wants and needs. i confuse what i want with what i need and the result is always needless pain and suffering. over the past couple of months i have been exceptionally frustrated by my rising expectations and my inability to fulfill them and it was finally a face-to-face meeting with my sponsor that set me back on the path of recovery.
when i got here, i was of the opinion that there was probably absolutely nothing beyond what could be detected by my senses, and the whole question of spirituality and a spiritual path was the province of superstitious peasants and philosophy majors, neither of which i had any time for.
the greatest hurdle to me finding recovery was how close-minded i was to even excepting the possibility of a power greater then myself and that this power could relieve me of the obsession to use.
today i not only accept the GOD concept i wholeheartedly embrace it. i am not alone in my journey through recovery and i do have the help available to me to accomplish what i NEED to. i have not only come to believe but i have come to rely on the strength of this power in all phases of my life.
recently i have been thinking i NEED more money to continue to live in the manner to which i have grown accustomed to, and been frustrated by this expectation not being met. even though the evidence around me shows that financial success and comfort does not equal spiritual growth and recovery. and hence my frustration, i want more money, but i feel a sense of debt and gratitude to my current employer. they gave me a job when i was on the edge on unemployability, they allowed me the freedom to finish my bachelor's degree and they supported me through the times when i was unable to support myself. the problem is the sense of gratitude goes out the window when i get to work. they expect me to perform the same job without more pay. HOW DARE THEM! DON'T THEY KNOW WHO I AM???
well the time has come to resolve the inner conflict and open a dialogue about what i want and need, and the connection i have so carefully nurtured through recovery will give me the strength to face my fears and take this relationship to a new place. and you know that is all i ever really needed, a guiding connection to GOD.
∞ DT ∞