Blog entry for:

to loosen and remove the conditions on love that my life experiences have placed there. i can honestly say that in active addiction, my phase of mere abstinence and early recovery, i had no idea ho to give and receive love, much less to love someone without any hooks or strings attached. my life up that point had been a zero sum game, where anything i “gave” had to be reciprocated in kind. my first wife, whom i thought i loved, was certainly my first experiment in applying the lifestyle of the needy and greedy to a “loving” relationship. as she is my “x” and was unwilling to allow me to make amends, one can see that experiment was a HUGE failure. the monk vow i took with my first NINTH STEP, prepared me to start looking for a different way to do relationships and was not nearly as heinous as it once sounded. when one sees sexual partners as semen receptacles, one is more than likely incapable of any feelings that approximate love or unconditional love.
over the days that i have been clean, i have found that learning to love, honor, respect and esteem myself, was the key to applying those spiritual principles to others. when i stopped believing the world was out to get me and everyone in it wanted something for me, the ice man started to thaw and he started to see that the warmth of human connection that leads to relationships based on unconditional love was starting to be revealed. i have yet to hear any of what i shared on any of my FIFTH STEPS come back to haunt me, either from my peers or my sponsors. today, as i progress to unconditionally loving myself, because i no longer believe i am broken beyond repair or ever really was, i am removing the barriers to loving others without conditions. i can say, that journey is not easy, after decades of being what i needed to be to get what i want: racist, misogynistic and intolerant, becoming woke AF, is still a shock to the system and there are times when i want to hide that light under a bushel.
just for today, i can be more than just okay with who i am. just for today, i can apply the same principles to myself as i apply to my relationships with the men i sponsor: tolerance, patience, acceptance and yes unconditional love. sure, there are still more than a few landmines, speed bumps and sinkholes on that path, but with the unconditional love of my peers in the fellowship and the guidance of my sponsor, i will more than likely be able to navigate them and come out on the other side a better, saner and more genuine person.

∞ DT ∞