Blog entry for:

in trying to please someone else, i have diminished myself and i begin to realize that the approval of others will not fill my internal emptiness. i am up this morning way before the butt-crack of dawn, and as a result may get my run in, before the cold front descends on this part of the world, or not, we will see. one thing is for certain, this reading never fails to resonate with me. i can remember the first time i read this, way back in my first year of the program. i was confused about this issue then, and only after time and step work, have i come to see how and what this really is for me. there is another reading that speaks to calling a spade a spade in regards to people pleasing, this reading however zooms way down to motives and motivations of this piece of my constitution. i understand that seeking the approval of others is part of the human condition. it is only psychopaths and sociopaths who lack this desire. this is not what people pleasing is for me. for me, as the reading talks about, that desire to have the approval of others has been magnified into a means to MAKE MYSELF FEEL WHOLE. instead of being a socialization trait, it has become an overarching NEED, and one that threatened to consume me, especially in early recovery. quite honestly, in active addiction, my desire to have the approval of others was so far down on my priority list, that at first glance, one may have thought that i was far beyond that. since i was and am driven by how i look, all one had to do, is give my behavior a bit of critical scrutiny, and one would have found, that yes i was desirous of the approval of others, no matter how detached and self-assured i appeared. i learned early on, that although i NEEDED that approval, to show any sign of that need was to show weakness, and that weakness would be pounced upon and i would be destroyed.
removing the state of eternal bliss from the equation, left me with this particular need at the top of my food chain, so early recovery i learned all about this and how to get the approval i NEEDED doing the next right and wrong thing.
as i grow in recovery, this trait the desire to have my behavior approved of by others, has been diminished and most of the time, it sits right around the level of the so-called normal world. yes, i still want my efforts to be singled out and praised, but i no longer have that overwhelming NEED. in fact, when i am praised, i often ask myself if this is real or is this person trying to get something from me. so there is another thing to look at as i work through this next step cycle.
what about right here and right now? well, the checks in the mail, are validation that i am good at what i do for a living. the fact that i have things in my life, and people who love and care for me, is validation that i am on the right track. most of all, those days when i wake-up and feel whole and genuine, i can see that i am metamorphosing into the person i have always wanted to be - self-assured and self-confident, and i no longer have to put up that oh, so eminent front. i am in the place right now, that i can be okay, and do the next right thing, no matter how it looks to someone else. that thing? finish my top of the morning work and hit the streets running, literally. life is good today, and i am satisfies with who i am right now, all i have to do is listen for what the next right thing after that is, and i am certain all will be well, at least in my internal world. until tomorrow then, it is a good day to be as whole and genuine and i can be.

∞ DT ∞