Blog entry for:

need approval from someone to feel okay about myself, was a very well hidden part of my makeup, way back when. it was insidious and i had become adept at pretending that i did not need approval from anyone, much less everyone in my life. that NEED, fueled the eighteen months of abstinence between my clean date and my surrender to the program. that NEED drove my service efforts, as i had to be “brighter and shinier” than everyone else. more than anything, that NEED kept me from following my spiritual path for over fifteen years, as i felt i NEEDED to conform, in order to gain the approval of my peers. THANK GOD, the last set of twelve steps, finally allowed me to start to let go of that NEED and bring me into a healthier saner place today.
this morning, as i prepare to venture out for “codger” hours at the local grocery store, something that i was told yesterday still is ringing in my ears. what i heard from a person wrapped up in the bubble world of their self-entitled fantasy was that they were a “realist.” it took a great effort to not react to that statement with “seriously🙻” the point is, as i sat this morning, i wondered how delusional i am these days about basing my self-esteem, on the opinions of others and if i have been truly freed from that overarching NEED? this morning, asking that question, rather than coming up with the answer, is good enough for right now. just for today, i can be okay seeking out the evidence that will show me one way or another, how far i have left to go.

∞ DT ∞