โซ i break the people-pleasing cycle when โซ
Posted: Mon, Apr 13, 2015 07:43:41 AM
i stop acting merely to gain the approval of others.
while i was sitting at the meeting last night, listening to what my peers had to say, i was struck by a turn of a phrase or two. one of the things i heard, that made me start really thinking was an addict mentioned “advanced recovery.” of course, once those words were uttered, my mind went spinning down all sorts of different paths, some dark, dank and of little value, others well-lit and frequently traveled. when i snapped back to reality i was totally lost and had lost what that phrase had meant to my peer. what i heard, in that brief journey to the center of my mind, was that if there is such a concept as advanced recovery, when do i get it? what does it look like? and who or what do i have to do, to find it? as i sat last night and listened to what my day was and how i traveled through it, i came back to the whole advanced recovery theme, and wondered what i might mean for me. what i left with, was that whatever advanced recovery might be, it certainly was not something i was going to find, any time soon. what i have to do, is practice active recovery on all i do, which for me, means applying the basics to my life, out in the real world as well as in the rooms. that sometimes mean, biting my tongues, when i hear a flat out lie, someone sharing about how fVcking spiritual they are since…
which brings me the long way around to the topic at hand. that oh so wonderful sounding behavior of “people-pleasing!” it would be quite nice to say, i no longer tailor my behaviors to get the approval of others, or to manipulate their opinions of me, in a favorable sense. i can say that i have “advanced” far enough in my recovery, that i do it far less. in fact, i have some esteem today and some self-respect as well. what was once part and parcel of my living in the real world, has been reduced to a mere annoyance, most of the time. do not mistake me here, i still want to the right stuff for the right reasons, and one of those reasons is how it makes me feel, and yes, if i get caught doing it, the praise i get from others. my motives are still far from as pure as the driven snow, but in the grand scheme of things, i will keep doing the next right thing, even if no one catches me doing with their cell-phone camera. so exactly where does peer pressure end and people-pleasing start? i cannot speak for anyone else, but for it starts when i start to work towards an outcome and find myself saying or doing something that will manipulate you into doing what i want, without overtly asking or as the case may be demanding, that you it, now. i am still guilty as charged, but today i have the means to correct this behavior, in real-time if i am present enough with what is going on, or with the corrective part of my daily TENTH STEP,, which i certainly loathe to have to invoke, which certainly assists me in the real-time component of short-circuiting the behaviors that served me well in active addiction.
it is however, time to pack this up and hit the road south to work. it is unfortunate that for my friend who is currently a guest of the county, that i no longer feel the need to have him like me, and to do whatever it takes to earn his respect. for him, the end result probably sucks. for me, well for me, the end of people-pleasing at least in this instance means that i sleep better at night, because i have grown beyond the need to be well-liked by this individual, i will settle for respect today, and i have that, if only from myself.
while i was sitting at the meeting last night, listening to what my peers had to say, i was struck by a turn of a phrase or two. one of the things i heard, that made me start really thinking was an addict mentioned “advanced recovery.” of course, once those words were uttered, my mind went spinning down all sorts of different paths, some dark, dank and of little value, others well-lit and frequently traveled. when i snapped back to reality i was totally lost and had lost what that phrase had meant to my peer. what i heard, in that brief journey to the center of my mind, was that if there is such a concept as advanced recovery, when do i get it? what does it look like? and who or what do i have to do, to find it? as i sat last night and listened to what my day was and how i traveled through it, i came back to the whole advanced recovery theme, and wondered what i might mean for me. what i left with, was that whatever advanced recovery might be, it certainly was not something i was going to find, any time soon. what i have to do, is practice active recovery on all i do, which for me, means applying the basics to my life, out in the real world as well as in the rooms. that sometimes mean, biting my tongues, when i hear a flat out lie, someone sharing about how fVcking spiritual they are since…
which brings me the long way around to the topic at hand. that oh so wonderful sounding behavior of “people-pleasing!” it would be quite nice to say, i no longer tailor my behaviors to get the approval of others, or to manipulate their opinions of me, in a favorable sense. i can say that i have “advanced” far enough in my recovery, that i do it far less. in fact, i have some esteem today and some self-respect as well. what was once part and parcel of my living in the real world, has been reduced to a mere annoyance, most of the time. do not mistake me here, i still want to the right stuff for the right reasons, and one of those reasons is how it makes me feel, and yes, if i get caught doing it, the praise i get from others. my motives are still far from as pure as the driven snow, but in the grand scheme of things, i will keep doing the next right thing, even if no one catches me doing with their cell-phone camera. so exactly where does peer pressure end and people-pleasing start? i cannot speak for anyone else, but for it starts when i start to work towards an outcome and find myself saying or doing something that will manipulate you into doing what i want, without overtly asking or as the case may be demanding, that you it, now. i am still guilty as charged, but today i have the means to correct this behavior, in real-time if i am present enough with what is going on, or with the corrective part of my daily TENTH STEP,, which i certainly loathe to have to invoke, which certainly assists me in the real-time component of short-circuiting the behaviors that served me well in active addiction.
it is however, time to pack this up and hit the road south to work. it is unfortunate that for my friend who is currently a guest of the county, that i no longer feel the need to have him like me, and to do whatever it takes to earn his respect. for him, the end result probably sucks. for me, well for me, the end of people-pleasing at least in this instance means that i sleep better at night, because i have grown beyond the need to be well-liked by this individual, i will settle for respect today, and i have that, if only from myself.
∞ DT ∞