Blog entry for:

about myself, without relying on what i think, others think of me, has been the mantra of this set of steps. as i move into a place of having the desire to forgive and to stop punishing someone to make them behave in an acceptable manner, i find an inner strength that i did not realize i had. the courage to stand firm in my decisions, especially about the course of my Dad's current condition, has finally began to replace the doubt that has been driving me to distraction. i have finally stopped using language to “soften the blow” of the reality of the situation and have come to a place where i can share honestly with others the nature of the internal struggle that has consumed over the past two weeks, since having to come to this decision. in the cycle of life, there always comes a time to die, and sometimes that time is much sooner than one wants it to be.
a huge part of my identity, up until recently, has been to be who i thought those around me wanted me to be. being caught up in my perceptions of what i believed others thought of me, has stifled my growth into becoming who i am. in this recent step process, i have come to see that i am more than i ever believed myself to be and by revealing the lie that i was “broken,” i get to seek the actuality of who i am and rebuild an identity based on that new insight. the real world has intruded into my perceptions and i find myself seeking something more, of myself and of those who support and love me. as i uncover what that “something” may be, i risk losing myself in the haze of what was, as i lack the experience to be truly freed from that previous state of being.
as a person who lived a life of conscious and unconscious people-pleasing for over fifty years, the reading this morning takes on a deeper meaning. i have assets and attributes that can be nourished into becoming more whole and genuine. this step cycle has been all about seeing myself as i am and discarding the notion that i NEED to live up or down to the standards i believe others impose upon me. today, i seek within the satisfaction with who i am that i have sought from those around me for far too long and look to the day when i have become that “something more,” that i have alwatys wanted to be.

∞ DT ∞