Blog entry for:

and start acting on the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, i approve of myself.
as i was preparing to write this, i said to myself, that this topic is one of the most slippery slopes, i deal with in my life. in fact, the anger i felt yesterday was certainly a slide down that slope into lower self-worth and how little i esteem myself, when i serve. while it was nice to discover that i was not the ONE, i still stings that now i am being painted with the brush of distrust and duplicity, that those who may need to hear the message of HOPE i have to offer, cannot listen, as i am bound to run off and turn them in. in time, all of that will be corrected or not, it really does not matter, as life goes on and this morning i can allow myself the freedom to forgive those who are unwilling.
certainly an eye-opener and perhaps yet another “new” question for my daily inventory: “did i adjust my behaviors to seek approval from someone else?”
the reading speaks of feeling good, when my behaviors are appropriate and well-received, and feeling not so good, when i behave in a less than appropriate manner. ‘good’ is not a feeling, but i am not paraphrasing that term here. for me, what feeling good may mean, is contented, satisfied and worth something. a whole lot to wrap up into a word, but for today, at least while i am writing this, i think i will be lazy and say feeling good.
yes, i like to feel good, having others approve of me, certainly does feel good, and just as i can run with anything that makes me feel better than i am now, i quickly can slide down into the morass of not feeling good and trying to do something about it. approval-seeking behaviors is something i am very familiar with and one that has yet to be removed from my cornucopia of wonderful-est reactions. there is however HOPE for me yet, as i recognize it sooner and can consciously make choices to act with esteem, integrity and worth, which is after all, what this journey is all about. when i take others out of the equation and just do the next right thing, at the next right time, for the next right reason, none of how others react matters, and i get to feel just a bit more whole, genuine and worthy. when i feel all of that, i know that i am on the path of practicing the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, no matter what iot is. so when will i get to carry the message back to jail? who knows, today i accept that i am powerless over that and remain willing to move back into that service role, when i am once again allowed to do so. today, i am going to take the morning off, do a bit of work later and be okay knowing that yes, i can be myself and allow others to do the same.

∞ DT ∞