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when i do not live by spiritual principles it provides me with the ammunition i need to beat myself up and show how this whole recovery gig is a waste of time. i can use my knowledge of these principles as yardstick to disqualify myself, withdraw from the company of my fellow addicts, and spin back into the world of degradation and despair that i came from where people-pleasing was just one of my repertoire of manipulative and dishonest behaviors to achieve my ends.
people-pleasing in recovery however, takes on an entirely new dimension. i was such as user of people when i was actively participating in my disease that i actually believed that doing whatever anyone wanted after i got clean was the spiritual opposite. and besides, i had to leave all my playmates behind if i hoped to ever have a chance at getting more out of life than mere existence. the more people who liked and approved of me the better i felt and the better i thought i was doing. the amazing part of this whole thing was pointed out in the reading this morning, since i did not like or even approve of myself i had to fill that need by seeking your attention, approval and affection.
well things have changed for the better, over the course of time, i have learned to tolerate myself, accept myself as i am (a flawed human individual who is struggling to get better) and even (GASP) love myself. i would love to say that i no longer engage in the dishonest and manipulative behavior of people-pleasing, but that in and of itself would be a LIE, rather i participate in it much less and recognize and stop it much of the time. it is that i do not care what you think of me, i do! nor is it that i do not want to be approved of and loved, i do! it is just that this morning i realize that true happiness and approval have to come from within me and not via the strokes i get from my friends and family. do not get me wrong, i still like the strokes. but just for today i can strive to live a better life for myself by exercising the spiritual principles that have been given to me.
∞ DT ∞