Blog entry for:

i can live in accordance with spiritual principles, then and only then will i find the self-worth and self-approval i truly seek.
i have heard that people-pleasing can be turned into an asset through the [process of the steps, and it makes me wonder, if that really is the case. i know being respectful of others and treating them courtesy and kindness may have the appearance of people pleasing, as well as being accommodating and allowing myself to compromise. none of that stuff was part of my daily behavior back in the day, and all of those actions when looked at as a whole could appear to be the bright side of people-pleasing, so one could certainly make the argument that people-pleasing has been turned into an asset through the recovery process. i do not buy that and the more i think about it, the less it is palatable to me.
when i was using, i could at times do all of those things, but the reason i did them, was to get whatever it was that i NEEDED from somebody. my motives in behaving in a civil manner, were self-serving and when i needed a shot of self-esteem, what you thought of me was my paramount concern. if civility was not enough to get your approval, well i would just reach into my bag of tricks and lo and behold, i could manipulate the situation, just by escalating what i was willing to do to get that approval. early recovery did little to change that behavior, even though i was loathe to admit, that i ever NEEDED anyone else's approval of how i lived my life, worked my program or thought about myself. my stock value only rose, when those around me, thought well of me, and told me so!
sitting here from this vantage point, it is quite a miracle that i survived with any self-esteem or self-worth intact. day by day, AS i do things for the right reasons and am spiritually awake enough to get a clue about what is going on, i get better. i am civil, kind, courteous and caring just because it is the right thing to do, and getting approval for being that way, is just a bonus, the chocolate syrup on the ice cream that is my life, so to speak.
anyhow, i do have to jump through some hoops today, in order to earn my daily bread. so off to the showers i go and as i step out into the real world i will carry this thought with me:
it is a good things to have the approval of others for how i walk through the minutes that make up my day, however it is not a good thing to choose to behave in a manner that SEEKS that approval, MOTIVE IS EVERYTHING!

∞ DT ∞