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NEED outside approval to feel okay about myself, is certainly a trait that i trip on less and less, these days. i really find it amusing when i hear some of my peers talk about people-pleasing as if it is something that has been magically morphed into some sort of asset. either they hare clueless about what this term means or they are living in a world of denial about who and what they are. i, for the sake of serenity, choose to believe the former and give them all the benefit of the doubt. for me, however, there is no mercy, as i am well versed in what people-pleasing is, how to do it and what it has dome to myself, my self-esteem and the relationships i have with others. before i move on, i must admit that those who have the seemingly largest egos are often the least secure in who they are and have very little or no self-esteem, at least in my opinion. if i NEED to spin something as damaging to myself and my relationships into something “positive,” chances are that i am missing the real issue at hand.
yes, i know quite well what people-pleasing is, as i was an expert at it when i walked into the rooms. i called it by all sorts of labels, mostly to assuage my nearly non-existent conscience, but in the end what it was , was flat-out manipulation and an attempt to get what i lacked in myself ↬ self-esteem. when i am kind or courteous to others, without expectation of any return, i am living in the solution. when i do so to get “something,” whether it be praise or a material gain, i have stepped over the line into people-pleasing. when i came to recovery and even once i was well-entrenched as a member in the fellowship, i still manipulated others through apparent kindness and concern and always had to justify it as an set of means that were justified by the ends. what i uncovered across the course of my recovery, is that i do not need to play at being anything that i am not. when i share at a meeting that i ponder the thought of becoming a “newcomer” every now and again, it is not because of some alien being inside of me is enticing me to the dark side. it is simply because i am an addict, and with clean-time comes responsibility, and the weight of that responsibility often is overwhelming. having a bit of time clean means that my peers expect me to behave and share in a very particular manner, or at least it feels as if that is the case. that “game” is one i played for quite some time, not all that long ago, and it is just the next level of people-pleasing which i just might call peer-pleasing. because i have a bunch of days clean, i expect myself to appear more spiritual, serene, open-minded and wise. i want others to see me in the same manner, and i game the system through the manipulative tools i hones to razor sharpness in active addiction. part of what this last journey through the steps has brought me, is the realization that i need not pretend to be anything i am not. i am not Siddartha, struggling with my DESIRE for material comfort and excess, although i may want to appear that way, to those with whom i share my recovery. i want to appear to be all that i am not and some more, and false humility and people-pleasing are the shortcuts to getting there. this pedestal is only biog enough for one, and i was here first!
gratefully i have a path to enlightenment that includes removing the fog of obfuscation from my life. i see how needy and dependent i can be and do not wonder why, some find me shallow, vapid and with few redeeming qualities. it is my very NEED to get approval of who i am, that drives the opinions of others, regardless of how well i try and manage them. today i am feeling okay, being just who i am,. i do not need to make all sorts of plans for huge celebrations of that person and can be okay walking through my day, leaving a minimal wake behind me. it is a good day to accept that i am far from perfect, i have desires that i often disguise as needs and that life on two legs is not as cut and dried as it appears to be.

∞ DT ∞