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i break the people-pleasing cycle when i stop acting merely to gain the approval of other people and start acting on the will of my HIGHER POWER for me.
such a fine line, am i doing the right thing for the right reasons? it is quite true that i get satisfaction when i receive positive feedback for my actions from those i share my life and recovery with. i can even take it more than a bit further to the level of people-pleasing in a heartbeat. the piece of me i call my disease has a component that wants all the satisfaction that i can obtain, and i often act in a manner to get those positive reactions all the time. just like using that feeling passes quite quickly and i am left once again feeling like i NEED more, and more and still more, and the cycle of using and find the ways and means to use more begins anew, and yet i have not picked-up. more than a bit ironic that addiction can manifest itself it so many ways. so how do i break that cycle? well back to my motive check! i NEED to find out if i am doing something that is against the values i hold, and if acting in such a manner is truly a spiritual response or a piece of the addiction cycle. it all boils down to how good i feel about myself. as i progress through the steps, especially the one i am working on at this time, i begin to get a glimpse of the man i was, the man i am, and the man i am becoming. my experience to date, is that i do not like the man i was, and i accept that the man i am, is a work in progress, far from perfect, but moving in a positive direction towards becoming the man i always wanted to be. although the vision of that man has yet to be clarified, and probably never will be, i can continue that journey by listening for the will of my HIGHER POWER.
so what does all of this have to do with my behavior of people-pleasing? well that behavior is a reaction to the belief that i still have rolling around in my head, that i am not worth recovery, that everything i do is done for the wrong reasons and that i have yet to really and honestly surrender my will and my life into the care of my HIGHER POWER. that toxic part of my belief system seems to be a long time in going, and the HOPE i feel today is that as well as the less than savory aspects of me will be removed if i choose to follow the path of recovery that i have been set on. rome was not built in a day, but it was once the greatest city in the world, and not that i think i may become the greatest anything, i too can have the splendor and majesty of walking through life confident that i am the best man i can be today. some days i feel that already, some days i do not, today i am starting to get a clue that satisfaction like happiness comes from within and not from outside things and actions. i am better than i have ever been and perhaps will be even better tomorrow, all i have to do is surrender once again to the principles that have got me here. simple nbut niot easy but a very good way to walk out into the world today.

∞ DT ∞