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right things for the right reasons certainly does provide me with the sort of respect, approval and esteem, i had not been capable of providing for myself. a year ago, my Dad was on the verge of dying in hospice care at his home. there were all sorts of mixed motives behind that process, but looking back, i see that we, as a family, had come to the correct decision in this regard. he spent what little time he had remaining, close to his family and in an environment with which he was comfortable. unlike blowing a plane up by lighting a trail of jet fuel with a cigarette lighter, watching it race across the snow and leaping into the air faster than a jet plane taking off, living with the consequences of the part i played a year ago, is something i am finally coming to feel and with which i am starting to resolve. a year ago, i felt i had to be strong and as a result have not, in my opinion, properly grieved my Dad's death. as my sponsor is fond of saying, perhaps i just need to give myself a break and allow what is supposed to happen, to happen.
as my sponsor has also told me, the application of love and respect often is calming of one's spirit. those words of wisdom have brought me a sense of peace, even when dealing with the most intractable of all people, lately. there are truly none so blind as those who refuse to see. i have often confused what i want and what i need, but have yet to confuse what i will not do, for what i cannot do. it is tough for me to watch someone choosing to allow themselves to funnel their life into an ever narrowing canyon of fewer and fewer choices because they are unwilling to try. i get frustrated when they refuse to consider that maybe, they can do more than they allow themselves to attempt. for me, the failure is not in whether or not i succeed, it is all about did i try and give it my best effort.
when i can do the right thing for the correct reason, but do not accomplish my goal, it does not diminish me or make me less valued, even though i am my own worst critic. being pleasing to others, is not the same as pleasing others to build my self-esteem. day by day i am working on becoming more than a collection of behaviors and grow into a self-realized person. that journey has been far from easy and has been quite fraught with peril. that does not mean i quit, because it feels “too hard” to accomplish. i persevere, because i want for my life than days filled with a blaring TV set and vidoe games on my tablet. that may be my fate, but it does not mean i have to accept it as inevitable, just for today.

∞ DT ∞