Blog entry for:

i stop acting merely to gain the approval of others and start acting on the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. it would be wonderful for me to say, that i no longer do whatever i NEED to do, to again the approval of others. yes, it would be nice, however, it would be a lie. the truth of the matter is that because of the STEPS and an active program of recovery, this behavior has been reduced to practically nil. once again a limit problem, when i boil it down to a function. as my recovery and my life in active recovery becomes stronger, my tendency to people-please approaches zero. approaches zero but in reality, for this addict will never reach zero. as miniscule as the actual behavior is in my life today, it is still present, and that seems to remove any HOPE that i will ever get better. since this behavior seems to be one of those that will never be removed, i might as well stop what i am doing and go with the flow. or at least that is what the part of me i call addiction seems to be arguing. as a whole person, i have choices today. one of those choices is that regardless of how long i have been clean, i still am human and still an addict, and even if i CAN still people-please, it does not mean that i have to!
I HAVE CHOICES TODAY!
I AM LEARNING TO BE PRESENT!
BECAUSE I CAN BE PRESENT, most of time, i have the ability to detect when i feel less than, and am looking for the ways and means to feel better about myself. that is where the HOPE comes in. day after day, of living a program, has taught me, that my clean time is not relevant, nor is the number of times i have been through the steps. what is relevant is HOW i apply that experience in the here and now, and today, at least here and now, i am not in any need of pleasing anyone else. yes, i had a terrible end of day yesterday afternoon. yes, i felt bad, that something i was working on, blew up after i left the building, but i am not going to lose any sleep over it. what i am going to do, id forge ahead with what i need to do this weekend and allow myself the freedom to go in Monday morning and fix the problem. if i discover it is not my fault, which is a possibility, i am going to own my part, correct the problem and as gently and softly as possible let that other person know what the problem was. if it is my fault? well i am going to own that as well, and live up to my contract and correct the situation and take steps to avoid repeating it. blame-shifting and people-pleasing, seem to me, to be two sides of the same coin, the ways and means to build esteem at my expense and the expense of others. in the long run, the goals of such behavior will never be achieved, as when i sort through the mess that i create, i will end up feeling worse about who and what i am. life is far too short, for me to act out ti build my self-esteem, especially when i have the means to achieve it, without acting out. Those means? why the spiritual principals of the recovery program that provides me the framework for this new manner of living. yes, active recovery is a positive feedback process, that allows me to be more than i was yesterday, when i LIVE IT!
anyhow, i do have commitments to meet and a vacation to prepare for, so it is off into the real world to meet those obligations and feel good that i can do what i said i would, one day at a time. the nice part? by doing the next right thing, others will be pleased as well.

∞ DT ∞