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and that journey has been more than worthwhile.
here i sit, watching the snow fall, and wondering if i will be able to clear my sidewalks without hurting my lower back again. that may not seem to be on topic and perhaps it is not, but the relationship i have developed with myself, springs from that very first relationship with my sponsor way back when. the reminder to show him some kindness, rings true for all my relationships, especially the one i have been working on with myself. after all, i use myself as a garbage can from time to time, suppressing and swallowing the garbage that would be better shared with those who care about me, especially my sponsor.
it is really a difficult task to get this writing up and running this morning, as my mind seems to be going all sorts of different directions, the snow, my back, the NFL playoffs, work projects and on and on and on. before i continue, i do believe i will take a moment and dip down into meditation and restart my morning.
ahhhhh, much better, i see where this is going now, and even though i was wandering around looking for the trail head, i feel i was on the right track. the relationship i was taught how to do with my sponsor, is a parallel of the relationship i learned to develop with myself.
quite honestly, when i came to recovery, i was untrustworthy, and incapable of being relied upon. the first person i started to trust and ask for help was my sponsor. as each trust bomb i ignited in our budding relationship did not drive him away nor get repeated in the rooms, i started to believe that possibly this was a man i could trust. each time he acted differently in a situation than i would have, i came to see that he could be relied upon and that he was living recovery in each and every act i witnessed. as a result, i became better able to trust myself, and my feelings, i was no longer willing to act alone in my decision-making and invited my sponsor to be a part of that process. he gave me what i needed and i often returned his kindness with feigned indifference, after all what would others think if they saw me treating another man with compassion and kindness. man i was one sort of a sick pup, and still am, only not nearly as sick.
this is usually the part of the exercise where i flash forward to the current day, and although i may go there, not quite yet. as i came to see that it was worth my effort to build relationships with others, i learned that one of the relationships, that suffered the greatest in active addiction, in early recovery, heck even before i use, was the relationship i had with myself. yes, i was a total schmuck to myself, and each time my sponsor demonstrated care and concern for me, i tried it out on myself. i came to see, that if i stuck to it, learning to be kind to myself, learning to trust myself, admitting that i did not have all the answers and asking for help, that relationship improved bit by bit, until it started to blossom into one that i have confidence in today.
so yes, i owe all the men who sponsored me a debt of gratitude and kindness, so thank you for being there long before i could be here for myself.

∞ DT ∞